Ask Bill Walton!

Question: Dear Bill,

Lately I've been having nightmares ever since my grandmother died. She appears before me in a dream discussing the goings-on in the world and reminds me that I'm a fat and out-of-work accountant. Why would she be doing such a thing? I know you're just a basketball commentator, but I hold you in such high regard. Please help!

Sincerely,

Lost in Los Angeles

Answer: Dear Lost,

Have you discussed this with your coach? Are you getting a proper diet? And you're not fooling me one bit, Tom Tolbert. Yes, I know it's you, you damn pea-brained idiot! I saw you the other day and I must say that your appearance was somewhat comical to me. In fact, I would compare you to the late Joseph Merrick! Take that, Tom. You bastard.

Q: Bill,

Why must you always poke fun at Tom Tolbert? He is a very informative commentator and analyst of the game of basketball, being that he is a former player. I think you should give him the respect he deserves, both on and off camera.

Sincerely,

Not Tom Tolbert, merely a fan of his

A: Dear Not,

I sincerely apologize if I have offended you in any way. I tend to not take a liking toward Mr. Tolbert and both his actions and views. If you feel that what I say is not of the best intentions, I must say that they definitely are. Coach Wooden always taught me that it's better to catch a horse with vinegar than it is on Tuesday. Afterwards, the fans adopted the team.

Q: Bill,

I have been having relationship problems with my wife ever since we got together. I feel as though she is cheating on me, but I have no proof of this. Do you have any idea as to how I might catch the little whore?

Sincerely,

Celibate in Monticello

A: Dear Celibate,

Tom, you really need to stop it with this drivel. How can you not think you aren't fooling me? I graduated from UCLA you know. Where did you go? That hick college Arizona? Oh please. Is the razor you shave your head with infecting that tiny brain of yours? Is that goatee you are trying to grow interfering with the words that should be coming out of your mouth but aren't because of the infecting brain syndrome you have acquired because you were some sort of malnutriotioned boy who had a mutated case of polio? Your breath stinks and I hate you. Has anyone noticed me yet?

Also, my fantasy picks this week are Chris Webber, Ricky Davis, Tracy McGrady, Yao Ming, and Tom Gugliotta. All of these fine young men shall continue on in their quest to be the best. And I would like to address the issues of steroids in basketball. I can assure you that I never took steroids. And whats with these refs? Terrible calls, one after the other. They should all sit down and have a lengthy chat with my former coach John Wooden. My son will never be as good as I was. Shaq needs to grow up and start playing some basketball. Will someone please tell me why Andre Miller is still playing for the Clippers? And would someone please pass the memo to Doc Rivers that Grant Hill is not going to be as good as he once was.