The Worst Time of the Year: Midwest Division
By: Emilio Escobar

 

The division occupying one MVP and two other serious candidates is supposed to be a heated race this season. For such a race you'll need top-notch analysis to figure out what the fuck is going on!

 

Tariq Abdul-Wahad 6'6 235 G/F Raking in $49 million while sitting on the injured list. And for the record, why do announcers pronounce his name Abdul-Wahead? It's Wahad, am I right?
Travis Best 5'11 185 G Every year this guy joins a new team and that new team gets excited about how he's a great scorer and all this bullshit. By the end of the year the team is sick of him and wants him gone. The cycle begins once again. I swear it's more reliable than the moon's cycle.
Shawn Bradley 7'6 275 C The Preying Mantis feeds on blocks he should be getting anyway being that he stands 7'6" but, for some reason, people say he's a good player.
Marquis Daniels 6'6 200 G Marquis is going to get qut.
Michael Finley 6'7 225 G/F Only Allen Iverson takes more bad shots but at least Finley can make a few of them. Also, Finley hasn't mistaken himself for Walter Sobchak and pulled a gun out in a bowling alley yet.
Danny Fortson 6'8 260 F More like 6'6 in high heels. He throws his ass into you to get rebounds and then complains when teammates, who are vastly more talented, end up starting over him.
Josh Howard 6'6 203 G/F Ford can make a decent truck but a shitty car. Wake Forest can make good forwards but shitty guards. He's a swingman! Doesn't the suspense just kill you?
Antawn Jamison 6'9 223 F He's really more like 6'7 and he's really more like a guy who never stops complaining about what position he plays. And is it Antawn or Antwan? He insists that it was spelled wrong on his birth certificate and that's why he kept it. Yep, I'm just as confused as you are.
Raef LaFrentz 6'11 240 F/C "No really, stop lauging. I'm a center. What's so funny? Whatever guys, I'm going home."
Chris Mills 6'7 220 F How must it feel that the only reason you're around is because your team can't wait to dump your salary cap number and have no intention of letting you anywhere near the court?
Eduardo Najera 6'8 235 F How does this guy collect his paycheck without feeling guilty? More importantly, how did this guy get into the league in the first place?
Steve Nash 6'3 180 G How many other point guards can dribble around the lane in a circle and end up doing nothing with the ball but the announcers fall in love? Only Steve Nash can pull that one off.
Dirk Nowitzki 7'0 240 F/C You might as well call him Irk cause he doesn't play any D.
Josh Powell 6'9 225 F Since he had a very mediocre college season at North Carolina State, it was only natural that he would leave school for the NBA. Who advises these kids, Grady Little?
Jon Stefansson 6'5 203 G Yeah, the pizza money is on the counter, kid. Oh, you wanted to try out for the team? Well, the pizza money is on the counter.
Jiri Welsch 6'7 210 G He's tall and he can dribble a little bit so he's obviously a point guard, right Golden State?


Chris Andersen 6'10 220 F/C Apparently being able to dunk on someone in a preseason game means you have outstanding potential and "upside". It must mean this because how else do you explain him still being on Denver's roster?
Carmelo Anthony 6'8 220 F He's gained like 50lbs since last year. That can't be good, can it?
Jon Barry 6'5 210 G Your daddy was a money-grubbing asshole and you're the worst one out of the whole family. At least that brother of yours named Scotter just gave up and did something else.

Sani Becirovic 6'5 197 G 		6'5 and 197, eh? Richard Hamilton said get off his turf, bitch.
Ryan Bowen 6'9 220 F This guy has as much basketball talent as a muppet. No, a muppet baby. Yeah, a muppet baby. How's that?
Earl Boykins 5'5 133 G It's like playing basketball with Webster except Earl isn't as scary looking.
Marcus Camby 6'11 235 F/C The only commercial deal he could get was with Charmin cause it's the only thing that's tougher than him.
Francisco Elson 7'0 235 C If I were 7 feet tall I'd try out for the Nuggets too. Camby will play maybe 10 games, Nene can't play until he picks out a last name, and Mark Pope is still Mark Pope
Junior Harrington 6'4 180 G The world's worst point guard started for the world's worst team last year and it produced a tie for the world's worst NBA record last season. Why wasn't Vernon Maxwell called? He would do something about this.
Nene 6'11 260 F/C I thought he was pretty good until he changed his name. Now I'm sick of him.
Voshon Lenard 6'4 205 G A fat pudgy 6'4 shooting guard who's closer to 6'2 got a pretty lucrative deal for a guy who wasn't even on the roster last season. It should also be noted that Denver sucks.
Chris Marcus 7'1 285 C Chris Marcus is pig latin for "broken feet".
Andre Miller 6'2 200 G He'll keep dishing assists and keep making you think he's the best point guard in the league until you put him around players who are actually good.
Mark Pope 6'10 235 F/C Can you not let go of this joke of a career you have going on. Rick Pitino begged the Pacers to draft him several years back. If your former college coach has to beg someone to draft you at the end of the second round then it's a good time to give up.
Yuta Tabuse 5'9 165 G If T.J. Ford can post you up then you don't belong to touch a basketball.
Jeff Trepagnier 6'4 200 G Pure athletic ability doesn't equal basketball talent, Jeff. Go join the circus or something.
Nikoloz Tskitishvili 7'0 225 F There are children that look more comfortable at a funeral than he looked on an NBA court. It's astonishing to watch him play.
Rodney White 6'9 230 G/F Meet Rodney White. Rodney is 6'9 and is a natural power forward. Rodney is convinced he is a shooting guard for some reason and his coaches got this crazy idea to try him at that position. This is why you've never heard of Rodney White.
Vincent Yarbrough 6'7 210 G/F Going from the 2nd best high school player in the nation to a borderline 2nd round pick is a pretty big drop-off. What else can he be 2nd in?


John Amaechi 6'10 270 F/C This guy can't even jump over an ant pile and gets about half of his shots blocked. Perhaps if he didn't drink so much tea and engage in English anal sex, he'd be a bit better.
Malick Badiane 6'10 230 F/C Africa had this guy leashed like a dog. Have you seen this guy train? They tie him up to a huge leash and tell him to attack the basket. Does he get fleas too?
Torraye Braggs 6'8 245 F No.
Kelvin Cato 6'11 275 C Him and Greg Ostertag hang out on weekends figuring out this complicated "basketball" thing but just end up counting the zeros in their paychecks.
Peter Cornell 6'11 255 C There shouldn't be a NBA center named Peter. Peter isn't an intimidating NBA center's name, Peter is like of a timid TGI Friday's waiter who's kind of afraid you might skip out on your bill so he keeps pacing back and forth in the back room with the gay bartender.
Ben Davis 6'9 250 F Develop some (any) sort of move, Ben. Please.
Steve Francis 6'3 195 G For being 6'3 and grabbing that many rebounds, he deserves some kind of award. It also shows terrible his teammates are at rebounding the fucking basketball.
Adrian Griffin 6'5 230 G/F Seton Hall seems to produce lots and lots of mediocre players, don't they?
Eddie Griffin 6'10 220 F A 6'10 PF that blocks shots left and right. Great! Oh, he barely shoots 40%? Oof.
Jim Jackson 6'6 220 G/F He's been passed around more than a crack whore but he seems to have finally gotten a long-term deal. Great timing now that he's hitting his 30's, Houston.
Yao Ming 7'6 310 C If you're sick of Yao from seeing him in all those stupid commercials last season, take solace in the fact that they'll be doing that to LeBron this year and will probably forget about Yao. Also, SARS is hard to advertise positively.
Cuttino Mobley 6'4 210 G You can keep scoring 20 points all you want but when you give up 30 to the guy you're guarding you're hardly an asset.
Gabe Muoneke 6'7 243 F Muoneke? Monkey? Waived? Oh shi
Bostjan Nachbar 6'9 221 F Say his last name to yourself? Doesn't sound right, does it? That's because he won't last very long in this league.
Moochie Norris 6'1 175 G He cut his afro to focus on his game and the season. He'll be basketball's version of Samson.
Eric Piatkowski 6'6 215 G/F How did the pollak cross the road? To get the hell away from the Clippers.
Alex Scales 6'4 185 G He tips the scales at "released".
Maurice Taylor 6'9 260 F He looked like he ate some of that blueberry Wonka gum last year.
Jameel Watkins 6'11 250 F/C Why not gamble on another Georgetown center? Well, because this one wasn't any good to begin with.
Mike Wilks 5'10 185 G Try the NBDL out again. I hear it's nice there this time of year.


Shane Battier 6'8 220 G/F He was like the new generation's Christian Laettner; You watched him so much in college that you were sick of him once he got to the NBA.
Troy Bell 6'1 180 G Somehow he convinced scouts that he could play the point.
Michael Dickerson 6'5 190 G Rumor has it that his groin woke up one morning and just ran off with the Berenstein Bears.
Pau Gasol 7'0 227 F Is there anyone more overrated in the western conference? OK, besides Hubie Brown? Well, lets ask Hubie Brown. Hubie? "Well,you gotta love what he brings on the court with his size and execution." Oh.
Ryan Humphrey 6'8 235 F More like 6'6 with the nervous twitch of an AA member when he's on the court. That's a horrible combination.
Dahntay Jones 6'6 210 G "Hmmmm, he can't shoot, right?" Check. "He comes from a program that has produced some suspect guards, right?" Check. Well OK, lets draft him!" OK Mr. West.
Mike Miller 6'8 218 G/F I think Mickey Mouse raped him and took all his talent when he was in Orlando because he forgot to bring it with him to Memphis.
Bo Outlaw 6'8 220 F/C His smile even makes Africa cringe.
Wesley Person 6'6 200 G/F Are there any more of your brothers that are infinitely better than you?
James Posey 6'8 215 G/F Is it that much to ask of a guy to at least shoot 40%?
Theron Smith 6'8 225 F Undrafted free agent with almost no range but can rebound. With this roster they'd probably need that.
Stromile Swift 6'9 225 F/C There was a story that his mom yelled at him at the all-star break and he began playing up to his ability. Did his mom whack him with a rolling pin and tell him to eat his Chunky Soup too?
Jake Tsakalidis 7'2 290 C A big tsak of tcrap
Earl Watson 6'1 190 G Jerry West likes him. Jerry West also liked Drew Gooden and look where he ended up. At least Gooden ended up on a playoff team.
Jason Williams 6'1 190 G See: James Posey
Lorenzen Wright 6'11 240 C Him and Marcus Camby are the only guys I could imagine slipping on banana peels on the court and declare themselves out for the year.

 

Sam Cassell 6'3 185 G Looks like a giant premature baby with fucked up teeth fell in a pool of caramel.
Jason Collier 7'0 260 C How did he not pan out? Oh yeah, he's a white center from Indiana.
Ndudi Ebi 6'9 195 F His name is pronounced Doody. It suits his game.
Kevin Garnett 6'11 220 F MVP? He's still trying to get out of the first round. And he's made about $216 million off the Timberwolves to go with 0 playoff series wins. MVP! MVP! MVP!
Fred Hoiberg 6'3 190 G The Mayor of "Shit, I had to take the veteran's minimum AGAIN?"-ville.
Troy Hudson 6'1 170 G People get shot in front of Troy's house regularly and he has nothing to do with it. Riiiiiiight.
Ervin Johnson 6'11 255 C He's not Earvin Johnson, he's, ugh, Ervin Johnson. Who knew one little letter meant the difference between AIDS-ridden champagne and shit?
Brandon Kurtz 6'10 255 C Forget losing position in the post, he'd probably lose position to a bedpost! ZING!
Quincy Lewis 6'7 215 G He's back from Europe to do some damage. I hope he bought a 2-way ticket.
Mark Madsen 6'9 245 F Did he bring the cheerleader outfit with him from LA?
Keith McLeod 6'2 190 G I have no earthly idea who this guy is and there's probably a reason for that.
Michael Olowokandi 7'0 270 C Does he not look like a big duck? And is there an uglier shot in basketball than that ugly pseudo hook shot he has? I can't think of anything uglier that doesn't involve Bo Outlaw.
Kirk Penney 6'5 220 G He's another one of those guys who did OK in the NCAAs and you forgot about. Then you started looking at training camp rosters and said, "Who the hell is that guy? Oh yeah!" Anyway, he sucks.
Rick Rickert 6'11 215 F Yeah, 6'11 skinny perimeter players are always 1st rounders, Rick. That was a fantastic decision you made by quitting school like that. Who the hell is your advisor? John McNamara?
Reggie Slater 6'7 255 F He's better than you may think but he's a lot shorter than you might think too. He keeps bouncing around the league but he always ends up on someone's roster. Credit that to his mastery of blowjobs.
Latrell Sprewell 6'5 195 G/F Wouldn't it be funny if he was as bad in the clutch as Chris Webber and you could make choke jokes all the time? I guess you still could but it wouldn't be very funny. Also, Latrell looks like a muskrat.
Wally Szczerbiak 6'7 244 G/F He belongs in Happy Days, not on an NBA roster. "Potsy, I turned my ankle again. Should I still demand a max contract extension?"
Gary Trent 6'8 250 F The Shaq of the MAC is BAC to Haq even more.

 

Elias Ayuso 6'3 202 G I really don't think the NBA will see a man named Elias don an NBA uniform. That is, unless he has a handlebar mustache and he's tossing a pizza around
Bruce Bowen 6'7 200 F One of the most overrated players in the league. His defense is not that great and he can't shoot. Last year he learned how to shoot an inconsistent 3-point shot but he can't do anything else. He's another player Pat Riley has overhyped and now lives off of it.
Devin Brown 6'5 235 G Red tag.
Ernest Brown 7'0 244 F Another red tag.
Anthony Carter 6'2 195 G It would be pretty fun sitting on the bench collecting your $4 million this year, wouldn't it, Anthony?
Tim Duncan 7'0 260 F/C There's never been a hall-of-fame player that looked as uncoordinated as he does.
Emanuel Ginobili 6'6 210 G He looks like the guy at the rec center that has no idea how to play and is just along for the ride with his buddy until he ends up kicking everyone's ass on the court.
Robert Horry 6'10 238 F I don't have enough bad things to say about this chump. He sits on the perimeter, he looks like Will Smith, he always has a smug look on his face, he's a complete asshole on the court, everyone's forgotten that he threw that towel in Danny Ainge's face in Phoenix, and now he won't even play during the regular season. To top it off, he can't hit the big shot anymore. I hate Robert Horry.
Dan Langhi 6'11 220 F Is there a funnier player in the league to watch when he dunks?
Sean Marks 6'10 250 F/C This guy looks like the fat guy from the Simpsons that thought he was Michael Jackson. "Duncan, it's your birthday. Happy Birthday, Duncan"
Ron Mercer 6'7 210 G/F Ron takes that damn 18 foot jump shot from the side of the court and misses it over and over and over. Why not try driving to the basket a bit, Ron. It won't hurt, I promise.
Radoslav Nesterovic 7'0 248 C There are a few things that the world should rid itself of: Roast beef-looking vaginas, cigarettes, and perimeter-playing centers.
Tony Parker 6'2 180 G He's still only 21 years old and he's close to being an all-star. But can anything good really come out of France? And have you seen him shoot a 3 pointer? I don't think his feet leave the ground.
Malik Rose 6'7 255 F He's really about 6'6 but he still dunked on Mutombo about 15 times in the Finals. Does that really say how good Rose is or how bad Deke is?
Hedo Turkoglu 6'10 220 G/F Do his eyes ever open up all the way? And why does he look like a hamster?
Kevin Willis 7'0 245 C He's back for another season provided Medicare picks it up.


Demetrius Alexander 6'8 240 F Nope, sorry.
Carlos Arroyo 6'2 202 G He played a decent game in the olympic qualifying games against the USA so now he's a starting-caliber point guard? Somebody has to score for Puerto Rico, it might as well be him. And oh yeah, he still sucks.
Raja Bell 6'5 210 G Good defensive player but can't do anything else. Sounds like a lot of other players, doesn't it?
Curtis Borchardt 7'0 240 C "Coach, my feet hurt." *Wah wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah*
Jermaine Boyette 6'2 190 G Another undreafted rookie. From the looks of this roster, though, he might actually make it. Good scorer in college but he's another 6'2 SG. In other words, he'll have to shoot 30 times, while making 10 of them, and then commentators will say how much heart he has. Does that sound like anyone we know playing for Philadelphia?
Keon Clark 6'11 221 F/C Now that David Robinson is retired, Keon inherits the title of "Biggest Lips in the League". Congratulations, Keon.
Jarron Collins 6'11 255 F/C Him and his twin share the same clothes and injuries. Who knows, probably the same women, too. Just as long as they don't share hair brushes because then they might get lice!
Paul Grant 7'0 255 C It's another goofy 7-footer whose a former 1st round pick that can't crack a 12-man roster. You would think GM's would figure it out by now, wouldn't you. Hell, Utah alone has 3 of these by my count.
Ben Handlogten 6'10 240 Never heard of him but, with a name like that, he's gotta be white.
Matt Harpring 6'7 231 F A slow white guy who gets everything out of his ability. Probably the most efficient shooter in the league too. I wish he had done something stupid in his career so I could make fun of him.
Andrei Kirilenko 6'9 225 F He must break you. On a lighter note, he is Utah's best player. Yes, I'm being absolutely serious.
Raul Lopez 6'0 160 G The Little ACL Tear is back for more career-threatening surgery. This time he might fit in a couple of games beforehand!
Ademola Okulaja 6'9 235 F Note to Ademola (what the fuck kind of name is that anyway?): You were never that good in college. Give up. There were about 4 other NBA players in the lineup with you at North Carolina. You suck. Stop it.
Greg Ostertag 7'2 280 C He looks like every single '80's teen actor who grew up and got fat. Except he has a crew cut. And less basketball talent.
Aleksandar Pavlovic 6'7 210 F Utah thinks he can be a point guard for some reason. Hell, he can't be any worse than what they have now.
Lavor Postell 6'6 215 G/F A decent player who might even get some minutes if he can beat out the mighty Jermaine Boyette and Teenage Mutant Ninja Rapist himself DeShawn Stevenson.
Micahel Ruffin 6'8 248 F Rebounding beast that must've skipped class when they were handing out post moves.
DeShawn Stevenson 6'5 210 G I guess he hears "no" more when he asks coaches if he's lived up to his hardly insurmountable potential label he was given than when he's raping women.
Maurice Williams 6'1 185 G Everyone thought that this guy was not ready to be in the NBA except for him apparently. I think Bama could use you on their football team, Mo.