| Kenny Anderson G 6’1 170 |
Just in case this wasn’t shoved down your throat
10 million times in the 90’s I’m just going to remind
you that he’s from New York City. NEW YORK CITY! |
| Jon Barry G 6’5 205 |
Heart and hustle can still land you a roster spot in the NBA! And
now a spot on it’s injured list too! |
| Lonny Baxter F 6’8 260 |
Wow, Lonny Baxter AND Pig Miller on the same roster? It’s
the All-Training-Camp-Cut team! All we need now is Derrick Dial |
| Reggie Butler C 6’10 255 |
I don’t know who Reggie Butler is so I’m just going
to tell you guys that the Atlanta Hawks really suck. |
| Josh Childress G/F 6’8 210 |
This team has one capable scorer, one wannabe scorer, and a bunch
of has-beens in the backcourt. Time to throw a timid rookie in there
if you ask me |
| Jason Collier C 7’0 260 |
Hi, I’m Jason Collier. You might remember me as that guy
who bailed out on Bob Knight or the guy who could barely start at
Georgia Tech when they were a .500 team. Now I start at center for
your Atlanta Hawks. Just a reminder to renew your season tickets! |
| Chris Crawford F 6’9 235 |
Another year and another knee injury. Did you know that the Hawks
actually expected him to produce this year? I don’t know what
they wanted him to produce except maybe another bill for an MRI |
| Tony Delk G 6’2 189 |
Did you know he once scored 52 in a game? I’d be surprised
if this entire team averages that much |
| Boris Diaw G/F 6’8 215 |
Still no jump shot, still can’t start for a horrid Hawks
team. What the fuck kind of name is Boris for a black guy anyway?
|
| Predrag Drobnjak C 6’11 270 |
Need a starting center for your lottery team? Drobs is always available! |
| Al Harrington F 6’9 250 |
You might be going from a 60-win team to a 60+ loss team but hey,
at least you’re starting now! Aren’t you so fucking happy?
And all you retards who think he’s going to have a breakout
year are in for a big surprise |
| Royal Ivey G 6’3 200 |
TJ Ford’s backup in college gets drafted solely because of
his height. Oh, and his spine functions properly |
| Anthony Miller F 6’9 255 |
You know what’s sad is that he might actually make the team
for once |
| Jeff Myers G 6’3 188 |
Sounds like a basketball players name, doesn’t it? It doesn’t
sound at all like a white pastor’s name or anything |
| Donta Smith G/F 6’7 215 |
Atlanta front office strikes gold once again |
| Josh Smith F 6’9 210 |
He has looked completely lost in the preseason. It’s a good
thing Atlanta has a savvy veteran like Antoine Walker to show him
the ropes. |
| Antoine Walker F 6’9 245 |
He shot horribly in Dallas when he didn’t have that many
shots to take. And now he’s in Atlanta. Looking at Antoine’s
boxscores this year might finally make me become jaded to Allen Iverson’s. |
| Saddi Washington G/F 6’3 180 |
Saddi? 6'3 forward? Cut! |
| Kevin Willis C 7’0 245 |
BUT KEVIN WILLIS IS GOING TO TAKE ALL OF ANTOINE'S SHOTS! |
| Corey Benjamin G 6’6 205 |
I didn’t know much about Corey so I asked Jerry
Krause to give me a scouting report and he told me “He’s
like Michael Jordan but better”. So there you go |
| Primoz Brezec C 7’1 252 |
There’s always room for a 7 foot euro on your team. And if
he actually needs a map to find the paint then that’s a plus,
isn’t it? Why take advantage of your height? That’s an
unfair advantage! |
| Omar Cook G 6’1 190 |
How many copies of his St. Johns game tapes do you think Omar constantly
sends to everyone? And shouldn’t the NBDL logo feature Omar
Cook turning the ball over? |
| Melvin Ely F/C 6’10 261 |
Ely gets his 18th chance as a starting center and loses it immediately
to a guy who sits at the 3 point line all day long. You gotta love
it |
| Jason Hart G 6’3 181 |
Career third-string point guard becomes challenger for Charlotte’s
starting point guard spot. |
| Eddie House G 6’1 175 |
Keep shooting, Eddie! The crowd loves it! Oh no, coach yanked you
out again! |
| Brandon Hunter F 6’7 260 |
When people compare you to Gary Trent then you should start looking
up the pay rates playing for Kinder Bologna |
| Jason Kapono F 6’8 213 |
I love wiggers but I especially love wiggers who don’t do
anything but launch 3’s |
| Brevin Knight G 5’10 170 |
Since we’ll probably hear this a million times this season
I’m going to repeat it: Brevin Knight is a veteran point guard
Brevin Knight is a veteran point guard Brevin Knight is a veteran
point guard |
| Emeka Okafor F/C 6’10 252 |
How long until Emeka retires to go back to college? I bet he’s
at least thinking about it right now |
| Bernard Robinson Jr. G/F 6’6 210 |
A defensive stopper at Michigan who struggled on offense will definitely
have a place in the NBA! |
| Jamal Sampson F/C 6’11 235 |
POTENTIAL POTENTIAL POTENTIAL POTENTIAL POTENTIAL |
| Tamar Slay G/F 6’8 215 |
All you need to know is that he couldn’t beat out a guy on
the Nets who had a hole in his kneecap in order to get any minutes
on the floor |
| Steve Smith G 6’8 221 |
My brother actually called Steve Smith one of the greatest 3-point
shooters of all time last night. I swear to god, I can’t make
this shit up |
| Theron Smith F 6’8 225 |
Another small power forward! And he actually wanted to leave Ball
State as a junior! |
| Gerald Wallace F 6’7 215 |
This is his breakout year! Did you guys know that? He scored a
ton against a bunch of undrafted players this past summer who were
backups in college so that will definitely translate over to the regular
season! |
| Jahidi White C 6’9 290 |
How does it feel when a team is willing to give up draft picks
just to get you off their roster? And how does it feel when the team
taking you doesn’t even want to play you even though they’re
an expansion team? |
| Malik Allen F 6’10 250 |
He gets to play against Shaq in practice every day.
Or maybe he'll be the lucky guy to body up with Michael Doleac...
20 feet away from the basket |
| Jerome Beasley F 6’10 237 |
Straight out of the University of North Dakota! I hear that there
are some great toil boys that come out of there! |
| Rasual Butler G/F 6’7 205 |
He’s starting for a ‘championship-caliber team’.
If he turns in a decent season then I might try out for the Heat next
year |
| Michael Doleac C 6’11 265 |
Shaq actually said that Doleac is the best backup he’s ever
had. That made me wonder about who his past backups were. We got Tree
Rollins, Greg Kite, Jelani McCoy. Phew, guess he’s right. By
default. |
| Keyon Dooling G 6’3 190 |
Former lottery pick. I repeat, he is a former lottery pick. I’ll
sit and wait here while you turn in your NBA draft applications. I’m
not going anywhere, take your time |
| Matt Freije F 6’10 249 |
Ladies and gentlemen, the only rookie in the league who already
looks as old as Brian Cardinal does |
| Tang Hamilton F 6’8 220 |
I bet you get the same reaction from eating a handful of Tang power
that you would watching him operate on the court. |
| Udonis Haslem F 6’8 230 |
Udonis doesn’t like to sit on the bench! He gets oh so angry!
You would think that he’s gotten used to it by now |
| Damon Jones G 6’3 185 |
OH NO! WHAT ABOUT KEYON DOOLING!?!? |
| Eddie Jones G 6’6 200 |
Shaq and Eddie always mesh well |
| Christian Laettner F/C 6’11 245 |
Does anyone else get a little angry once you realize Christian
Laettner is still in the fucking NBA? I mean really, you take away
the name and the fact that he went to Duke and what do you have? A
shitty power forward that shoots 18 foot jumpers all day long |
| Albert Miralles F/C 6’11 240 |
Good luck getting a roster spot behind Michael Doleac! |
| Shaquille O’Neal C 6’1 340 |
It really isn’t an NBA training camp unless Shaq is complaining
about not getting a contract extension. I knew something was missing
this year |
| Wesley Person G 6’6 200 |
Didn’t the Heat actually go back and forth wondering whether
they should sign Person or Dennis Scott? Ouch |
| Dwyane Wade G 6’4 212 |
I’m actually more sick of hearing about Wade than I am LeBron
James. How is that possible? Thanks, internet message boards! Oh and
I hope you worked on that jump shot of yours, Dwyane |
| ZhiZhi Wang C 7’1 284 |
When he steps on the court I always expect him to jump on the scorer’s
table and start hacking into their computers |
| Dorell Wright G/F 6’7 210 |
Is that what we’re down to? Naming our kids after cigarette
brands? How far off are we from Marlboro Williams? Just like nicotine,
I think opposing defenses will become addicted to smoking him on the
court! |
| Stacey Augmon G/F 6’8 213 |
The only thing that’s plastic about him now is
his fake game. How the hell is he still in the league? And has he
ever had a decent jump shot? Why haven’t I been offered a 10-day
contract yet? |
| Tony Battie C 6’11 240 |
Just another stop on the road to an inevitable knee injury |
| Keith Bogans G/F 6’5 215 |
Magic management can’t figure out whether to give backup
minutes to Stevenson or Bogans. You know, I can’t really decide
whether I want to kill myself with an axe or cyanide |
| Michael Bradley F 6’10 235 |
The solution to all of the Magic’s defensive woes all packed
into one delightful 6’10 package of white magic! |
| Kelvin Cato F/C 6’11 275 |
The Magic haven’t overpaid for a post player in quite awhile
so I guess they figured they should trade for one. Why miss out on
all the fun the rest of the league is experiencing? |
| Andrew DeClercq C 6’10 255 |
If I ever get stuck in a slap fight between a couple of 8 year
old girls I want Andrew DeClercq on my side. |
| Corsley Edwards F 6’9 275 |
What kind of name is Corsley? How much longer until we get an NBA
player named Furry? Or how about Spunky? Spunky Jackson: Débutante
Basketball Playa |
| Steve Francis G 6’3 200 |
2-on-1 break, Mobley to Francis, Francis to… OH NO! A TURNOVER! |
| Pat Garrity F 6’9 238 |
Ignore your height. Shoot 3’s. Magic basketball. Catch the
fever! |
| Grant Hill F 6’8 225 |
Do I really need to make another ankle joke? |
| Dwight Howard F 6’11 240 |
When I think intimidating force in the paint I think of Dwight
Howard. How can you not tremble in fear when you see a Christian freak
with braces in his teeth? |
| Mario Kasun C 7’1 260 |
My favorite type of euro 7 footer is the one with a bunch of tattoos.
They’re a rare breed and it’s good to see that Mario is
keeping up with this new tradition. I didn’t get to see enough
tattoos last year and I think it’s great that Kasun can bring
it to the uncoordinated white centers of my generation |
| Cuttino Mobley G 6’4 215 |
Does something unpredictable happen when you separate Mobley from
Francis? Like maybe Mobley ends up in the NBDL? That’s what
I’m thinking |
| Jameer Nelson G 6’0 190 |
Too bad you’re stuck behind the abominable turnover machine |
| Jemeil Rich G 5’10 170 |
What the fuck? Jameer and Jemeil? Are we just rolling dice now
or what? |
| DeShawn Stevenson G 6’5 227 |
I think it’s only fair that for every win DeShawn delivers
for Orlando that he gets to rape a 17-year-old. You can live with
some things, can’t you? |
| Hedo Turkoglu G/F 6’10 235 |
John Weisbrod trades McGrady because he’s lazy, unmotivated
and not a team player. Then he signs Hedo Turkoglu. What? Why not
just sign Jamal Crawford for $70 million and get it over with? |
| Gilbert Arenas G 6’3 200 |
I never would’ve thought when I was watching the Arizona Wildcats
years ago that I would be watching the greatest collection of overpaid
athletes to every whimper on my television |
| Steve Blake G 6’3 172 |
People say that he could start on several teams. If you can’t
start on the Wizards then where exactly can you start? |
| Kwame Brown F 6’11 240 |
I’ll give you a couple clues as to why Kwame Brown hasn’t
given you 20/10 yet: You have fucking Larry Hughes and Gilbert Arenas
you dipshits |
| Juan Dixon G 6’3 164 |
He can play both guard positions! Were you aware of that? And that
faggot on NBA TV Rick Kamla won’t stop jacking off to his pictures.
By the way, who are these idiots who actually call him for fantasy
basketball advice? How pathetic do you have to be to call that jerkoff
for make-believe basketball advice? |
| Jarvis Hayes F 6’7 220 |
He might actually be the best player on their roster but they’re
so full of overpaid softies that he’ll never get to start. At
least they don’t have Stackhouse anymore |
| Brendan Haywood C 7’0 268 |
Just to give everyone a laugh I’d like to point out that
Washington gave this guy a 5-year $25 million extension. Isn’t
that awesome? Maybe he can afford to buy a cup now |
| Larry Hughes G 6’5 184 |
Larry Hughes has finally broken out! Nevermind that he turned in
yet another 17ppg season shooting under 40% but he finally broke out!
How can you not make 40% of your shots? I can shoot 40% with a banana
sticking out of my ass; especially if I was making millions of dollars.
I think. |
| Antawn Jamison F 6’9 230 |
Babies like to eat baby food. Birds like to eat worms Antawn Jamison
feeds on shots and sub-.400 winning percentages. And fix your fucking
name you god damn retard |
| Jared Jeffries F 6’11 230 |
Your favorite 6’11 small forward is back! There really isn’t
anything small about being 6’11, is there? And is there any
reason for him to still be in the league? Where is my contract anyway? |
| Anthony Peeler G 6’4 208 |
Washington’s star acquisition over the summer. Are there
any Washington fans left? Are you guys still waiting for Mitch Richmond
to start playing? |
| Laron Profit G 6’4 204 |
Remember at Maryland when he was the new Michael Jordan? The only
similarities now is they both played in the ACC and they were both
cut once. Or in Laron’s case, many times. |
| Peter John Ramos C 7’3 275 |
The Wizards only had 8 active players for opening night and still
didn’t give this guy a chance to play |
| Michael Ruffin F 6’9 255 |
This generation’s Popeye Jones finally gets a shot! |
| Etan Thomas F/C 6’9 256 |
The Wizards picked the most boring player on the planet to throw
$39 million at |
| Samaki Walker F/C 6’9 250 |
How long until we find him selling his Lakers championship ring
on eBay? Can’t be too long, right? These guys have families
to feed! |
