The Worst Time of Year: Central Division

By: Emilio Escobar

 

Chicago Bulls

Malik Allen F 6’10 250 Ugh, at least when you were in Miami you had decent players ahead of you on the depth chart. Sweetney and Songaila? You just plain suck now
Eddie Basden G 6’5 215 Eddie Basden sounds more like a cooky next-door neighbor character in a sitcom more than it does a basketball player’s name. “Yo, Eddie! No, not you! The one with the heart that works!”
Tyson Chandler F 7’1 235 He rebounds like crazy but he’s more fucking fragile than those shitty sideburns that he can barely grow on the side of his face. But he only has one job: rebound all of those awful shots Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich take
Luol Deng G/F 6’8 220 Ready for year two of the Luol era, Chicago?
Chris Duhon G 6’1 185 Scott Skiles loves his shitty point guards who would be third-stringers on any other team
Ben Gordon G 6’3 200 Ben has it all figured out! Why bother playing the first 36 minutes of a game when you can just shoot like crazy in the final 12? Those guys like Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain were suckers.
Othella Harrington F 6’9 235 Has slightly better post moves than an emu and a mustache that any middle-aged cop would be proud of
Kirk Hinrich G 6’3 190 I would definitely move my best point guard over to the 2 guard spot so I can start a marginally talented slow point guard. Scott Skiles knows mediocre point guards when he sees them!
Andres Nocioni F 6’7 225 The only player from Europe who does not ask you if its ok before he grabs a rebound. Astonishing!
Jannero Pargo G 6’1 175 Comes off the bench in the last 2 minutes of games and scores 50 points. Imagine what he’d do in 48 minutes!!!
Eric Piatkowski G/F 6’7 215 The Polish Rifle gets paid to shoot blanks? Why couldn’t Shawn Kemp get in on that deal? OLD AND PLAYED-OUT SHAWN KEMP JOKE ALERT!
Darius Songaila F 6’9 248 Left Sacramento, where he was a backup, to be a backup in Chicago. Looks like that complacency rubbed off of Chris Webber really well
Mike Sweetney F 6’8 270 Dear Diary, Today I was told that I was traded from the Knicks to the Bulls. I am terrified by the thought of actually having to be in shape because the coach may play me for longer than 2 minutes. What am I to do?
Tim Thomas F 6’10 240 Five years later after the Bulls tried to throw a ton of money at him, Chicago lands him. I bet they’re ecstatic!

 

Cleveland Cavaliers

Martynas Andriuskevicius C 7’2 240 He looks like a faggoty, skinny tyrannosaurus rex
Drew Gooden F 6’10 242 Cleveland’s plan for an NBA title: Surround LeBron with other scorers and role players who would rather pass than shoot but can score if needed to. Cleveland’s plan for ultimately failing: Having Drew Gooden shooting the fucking ball every single time he touches the thing
Alan Henderson F 6’9 240 He’ll be in some sort of cast within a month of opening day
Larry Hughes G 6’5 184 Shooting guards who can’t shoot: Larry Hughes is revolutionizing the position
Zyndrunas Ilgauskas C 7’3 260 What happened last time Big Z got a contract extension? You fucks in Cleveland didn’t see him for a good 2 or 3 years
Luke Jackson F 6’7 215 Those lofty expectations of sitting out on the 3 point line and hit a shot here and there are very hard to reach, Luke, but we know you can do it. Now go sit with Anderson in the bathroom and make sure your hair is nice and curly so people can pay attention to that instead of your nonexistent talent
LeBron James F 6’8 240 Even Jordan got his shitty teams into the playoffs each year. And here you are, in your third season, and were supposed to take your little team to the playoffs and you choked badly both times. What would you do when you’re sitting at home after you lost 8 of your last 10 regular season games to miss the playoffs for the second straight year? You reach for a cold, refreshing Sprite! Shpladow!
Damon Jones G 6’3 190 Want a tip on how to get undeservedly rich? Just keep talking and talking and talking throughout the playoffs when you’re a shitty guard who belongs in the USBL and can only make wide-open 3’s. If you talk enough then someone will think you are a cool personality and sign you even though you’re not worth a damn unless a big lug is down low calling for the ball while you desperately heave up another shot.
Donyell Marshall F 6’9 230 This guy is going to be your starting center when Z pulls up lame this year. Have fun!
Ira Newble G/F 6’7 200 He can be an incapable scorer at 3 different positions! How can you cut a guy like that?
Sasha Pavlovic G/F 6’7 210 Cleveland couldn’t shoot a 3 at all last year. So what did they do? They gathered up as many as they could find and made sure that they couldn’t do a single other thing besides shoot 3’s. Good job, Cleveland!
Eric Snow G 6’3 205 How do you know when you’re going to miss the playoffs when everyone is predicting that you’ll go very far? By starting Eric Snow’s decomposing corpse at point guard and then justify it by saying he plays good defense.
Anderson Varejao F 6’10 230 Yes, we know about the stupid hair and how he rebounds sometimes. Shut the fuck up about it already

 

Detroit Pistons

Alex Acker G 6’5 185 Another name that doesn’t sound like a basketball player’s name at all. You expect to see that name on some sort of campaign sign. “Alex Acker: A Name You Can Trust!” Instead, you’ll see “Detroit Pistons: Waived Alex Acker”
Carlos Arroyo G 6’2 202 Yeah, OK Pistons fans, blame your entire Finals loss on your backup point guard
Chauncey Billups G 6’3 202 Maybe he’ll be able to actually play now that he doesn’t have a decomposing coach yelling at him in a mono-toned voice from the sidelines. PLAY THE RIGHT WAY PLAY THE RIGHT WAY PLAY THE RI what the fuck does that mean anyway?
Dale Davis C 6’11 250 What I love about teams who are supposed ‘contenders’ is how they sign a broken-down center and he becomes the “missing piece” whereas if the same guy signed with Atlanta then nobody would give a shit. He sucks either way and the only piece that’s missing is his prostate
Carlos Delfino G 6’6 230 Well, Pistons fans, I guess he really wasn’t exactly like Ginobili, was he?
Ronald Dupree F 6’7 209 This guy was your backup for Tayshaun but now you have….
Maurice Evans G 6’5 220 Who the fuck is this guy?
Richard Hamilton G 6’7 193 Run run run run run run until you get the ball, Richard! Those big bad guys who are in shape and work on other facets of their games besides shooting are chasing after you! And take that fucking mask off, idiot
Lindsey Hunter G 6’2 195 Another “missing piece”: A broken-down guard who is said to have played defense but really doesn’t do much more than miss a lot of jumpers while Billups gets yelled at by Larry Brown
Amir Johnson F 6’9 210 Isn’t this a wrestler’s name? Am I going to stumble onto an entry for Sparky Plug in a few minutes?
Jason Maxiell F 6’7 260 Darvin Ham left so you thought your token undersized power forward was finally gone, huh Pistons fans?
Antonio McDyess F 6’9 245 An entire season of McDyess means you should be even more worried now if you’re a Pistons fan! However, nothing topped his first game as a Piston when he got ejected for kicking a ball into the stands. Doesn’t that just scream, “MISSING PIECE”?
Darko Milicic F/C 7’0 250 Every year we come up with a new reason why Darko isn’t succeeding yet. I love it. He’s like our new Olowokandi.
Tayshaun Prince F 6’9 215 I’ll make a deal with you, God: You give me freakishly long arms and I’ll go ahead and take an underdeveloped body, completely fucked up teeth, a tiny head and a jump shot that could be misconstrued as a vulgar gesture. Deal?
Ben Wallace F/C 6’9 240 Every time Ben Wallace plays, a horrified little boy in the front row of every Pistons game wonders if his mommy locked the front door at home
Rasheed Wallace F/C 6’11 230 You still look like a crazy single dad who just hangs out on the corner and drinks Colt 45 out of a brown paper bag with a cigarette butt hanging off of your top lip

 

Indiana Pacers

Ron Artest F 6’7 252 It was actually kind of nice to see the Pacers' offense look somewhat competent. Without Ron shooting all of those 3's with that fucking disgusting jump shot of his, they almost looked pretty good out there. Too bad he put on another 20lbs and is committed to chucking up even more shots now. Everyone loves a 260lb "small" forward!
Jonathan Bender F 7’0 235 According to this knee surgery punch card, Bender’s next operation is free!
Austin Croshere F 6’10 240 The Pacers could dangle the cure for AIDS with Croshere at this point and nobody would take him.
Jeff Foster C 6’11 242 He probably rebounds so well simply because he doesn’t wanna get yanked out of the game and have to sit next to fucking Scot Pollard. That’s enough to keep me motivated
Eddie Gill G 6’0 186 The name just exudes confidence, doesn’t it?
Danny Granger F 6’8 225 Ok rookie, your first chore of the year is to run up into the stands, punch that bitch’s boyfriend in the face and tell her that I’m staying in room #203
David Harrison C 7’0 280 Watching this fatass try to play real minutes on a basketball court may have been the highlight of the entire brawl aftermath. A close second: watching John Edwards play
Stephen Jackson G/F 6’8 218 Stephen is both the scariest and goofiest looking player in the league. What gets me laughing is imagining how the conversations between him and Rick Carlisle go
Sarunas Jasikevicius G 6’4 195 Why did the Pacers sign him? It’s like Indiana was worried about their point guard position or something
Anthony Johnson G 6’3 195 The point guard position is that of skill, elusiveness, and great knowledge. You have to know not only what your role in a play is but also everyone else’s role. For this, you will need a balding, ashy, pudgy point guard who likes to shoot a lot.
Fred Jones G 6’4 220 Why is every lucky-to-even-be-listed-at-6’2 guard up to 6’4 all of a sudden?
Jermaine O’Neal F 6’11 260 Went from a villain in that stupid brawl to a kind, sweet gentleman after donating some money for those tsunami people. It’s good to know that some things never change though because someone mentioned the NBA playoffs and Jermaine began faking another knee injury
Scot Pollard C 6’11 265 Oh Scot, do another wacky thing for us! You know, something really unusual, like get off of the bench
Jamaal Tinsley G 6’3 183 With the rampant success of pudgy point guards in this league, it boggles my mind as to why Indiana decided to sign Jasikevicius

 

Milwaukee Bucks

Andre Barrett G 5’10 172 Keep the car running, Andre
Charlie Bell G 6’3 200 He’s the CBA MVP or the NBDL MVP or whatever the fuck league, who gives a shit?
Andrew Bogut C 7’0 245 Andrew brings the stylish emo haircut to the great state of Wisconsin, where we can only hope that it generates as much interest as Bryant Reeves’ buzzcut did in Vancouver. And yes, I did just compare Bogut to Reeves and I won’t stop at just the hair. Get your playoff tickets while they last
Josh Davis F 6’8 240 Andre is waiting for you in the car, Josh. If you hurry then you’ll be able to make it back to North Charleston City for the next Snow Gators game
T.J. Ford G 6’0 165 During the 2003 draft, people were saying that Ford was lucky to be considered 5’10. Now they fuse his spine together with some paper clips and he’s 6’0 all of a sudden. Also, every stupid publication in the country is picking Milwaukee to go to the playoffs this season. With what? A slow, white center and a small point guard fresh off of spine surgery?
Dan Gadzuric C 6’11 240 C Twinkle Toes somehow got a new contract when he can’t even play longer than 20 minutes out of a whole game
Reece Gaines G 6’6 205 How did he end up on the Bucks’ roster? Did someone actually sign him as a free agent?
Brandon Hunter F 6’7 255 Reason #341234 why every newspaper is fucking retarded for picking the Bucks to make the playoffs this year: Brandon Hunter actually has a relatively good shot at getting the starting PF job
Ersan Ilyasova F 6’9 235 Can you do anything in the paint whatsoever? Ok, here is your Bucks jersey and a contract extension.
Ervin Johnson C 6’11 255 The big man you can be proud to bring home to mom!
Toni Kukoc F 6’11 235 Has this guy even played the past two years? I was honestly astonished when I saw he was still on Milwaukee’s roster.
Desmond Mason G/F 6’5 222 Still doesn’t do anything except dunk and drive at the basket. Its like his coaches just gave up on him
Michael Redd G 6’6 215 White players who shoot a lot of 3’s are considered 3-point specialists and get paid anywhere from the minimum to about $3 million a year. Black players who shoot a lot of 3’s are considered sharpshooters and get the max thrown at them. RACISM!!!
Bobby Simmons G/F 6’6 228 Going from the Clippers to the Bucks has to be sort of like narrowly avoiding the Ebola virus but then finding out the Clippers traded for you
Joe Smith F 6’10 225 Pure Hustle: The Story of #1 Overall Pick, Joe Smith! A heartwarming tale of one man’s struggle to become the only player traded from the Warriors and not become an all-star
Tommy Smith F 6’10 215 If you’re a 6’10 big man then Tommy isn’t the most intimidating name in the world. More intimidating names include Billy, Jimmy, Herbie, Eugene, Dilly Bar, and Wet Wash Cloth. Being 215lbs probably doesn’t help either
Jiri Welsch G/F 6’7 208 I bet Boston feels pretty stupid, huh? Well, imagine how stupid Cleveland feels after giving up a 1st round pick to trade for this dipshit. Did they even play him at all?
Maurice Williams G 6’1 185 I am a 6’1 point guard who can’t shoot and decided to leave college after two years because I didn’t want other teams to find out I couldn’t shoot. Would you like to sign me away from the Jazz?