The Worst Time of the Year: Northwest Division

By: Emilio Escobar

 

 

Denver Nuggets

Carmelo Anthony F 6’8 220 I can’t wait to hear the new excuse this year
Earl Boykins G 5’5 133 Awww, he’s so cute! He’s like an NBA player you can cuddle and sleep with at night under your arms. If you put a cassette tape into his belly then he will tell you a story!
Greg Buckner G 6’4 210 Mr. Defensive Specialist is still Denver’s starting shooting guard and people are actually predicting that this team will win the division
Marcus Camby C 6’11 235 This is what the NBA has come down to: A guy who has some basic fundamentals, is too skinny to play center full-time, and is injury-prone is making $60 million
Francisco Elson C 7’0 235 I wish I had something to say about him other than the private parts comment but I really don’t because the guy hasn’t done anything else in the league so I’m just going to bow out gracefully.
Nene Hilario F/C 6’11 260 The Nuggets decided to keep Nene, their backup F/C, as a ‘just in case’ guy instead of trading him for a shooting guard. They were also contemplating paying him about $60 million over 6 years. Interesting, huh? Now he has no ACL and they have no shooting guard. Is Kiki still a bright GM?
Julius Hodge G 6’7 210 He is my favorite player because he says the funniest things!! For instance, at NC State, he once said something very sarcastically! Ha ha ha ha! And if you’re a funny guy, that automatically means you’re not raping young women either so he’s off the hook. Kobe should’ve made a couple of funny jokes in college instead of winning NBA titles
DerMarr Johnson G/F 6’9 201 High school phenom becomes lazy underachiever, breaks his neck in a car accident, fights back kicking and screaming to resume his NBA career and, again, is lazy and underachieving
Linas Kleiza F 6’8 245 I was stuck between a linux joke and a Peanuts joke and I just decided they were both lame so fuck it
Voshon Lenard G 6’4 205 Watching his big fat ass limp out for the all-star 3 point shoot-out was really funny and I don’t think it can be topped. Oh wait, Chris Andersen did it somehow!
Kenyon Martin F 6’9 240 I am slated to make about $90 million by the time my contract is up but I can only manage to gather up about 7 rebounds a game. But its ok because I am a defensive specialist! It says so right here on my new tattoo!
Andre Miller G 6’2 200 The only Nugget who won’t irritate you incessantly unless you are the one who has to watch him act like a shooting guard instead of the point guard who averaged over 10 assists that seems oh so long ago now
Eduardo Najera F 6’8 235 Hey Mexico, this is your pride and joy right here: A guy who is used for energy and nothing more. At least he’s not asleep at the end of the bench with a big sombrero over his face hiding a creepy child-molesting mustache
Ricky Sanchez F 6’11 220 220lbs of raw power
Luke Schenscher C 7’1 255 I can't believe Uncle Rico let him try out for the team
Earl Watson G 6’1 195 Why bother signing a perimeter player to fill a very sore need when you can use your entire MLE to sign a 3rd string defensive specialist? I smell division title!

 

Minnesota Timberwolves

Anthony Carter G 6’2 195 Why the fuck does this guy keep ending up with a job? Do GMs look for awful shooting and no court sense when they’re shopping for point guards? Pat Riley’s dumb endorsements strike again!
Lionel Chalmers G 6’0 180 Cheer up, buddy. The NBDL isn’t that bad. You get to ride a bus. At least you didn’t get cut outright like…
Ndudi Ebi F 6’9 200 Kevin McHale, you have one draft pick for the next decade. Who are you going to spend it on? “NDUDI EBI”
Richie Frahm G 6’5 210 Try as you might, Richie, you just can’t replace Fred Hoiberg. Even though you have the name of a shitty sitcom star and not an NBA player. Would a groupie even touch a guy named Richie?
Kevin Garnett F 6’11 220 Since nobody else has figured out why Garnett isn’t promoted more, I’ll go ahead and tell you: it’s because his teams always fucking suck. Tim Duncan has the personality of a dead toenail but he’s in all these commercials because he wins games. Garnett is in Best Buy commercials slam dunking on chandeliers with the Black Eyed Peas.
Eddie Griffin F 6’10 232 Block a shot here and there, launch several 3’s, shoot at random women near your home. All in a day’s work
Trenton Hassell G 6’5 200 The whole defensive stopper phenomenon is really getting on my nerves. First off, if a guy is a scorer and never plays defense then all of these basketball ‘experts’ will call him out on it. But if he’s a “defensive stopper”, all of his offense is a BONUS! But the scorers are expected to score and play defense. Does it not sound retarded or what?
Troy Hudson G 6’1 175 Went from a decent player to a guy who copied Sprewell’s absolutely stupid haircut to a 3rd stringer behind a white guy and Anthony Carter. It’s a good thing he has a new contract to fall back on, eh T-Wolves fans???
Marko Jaric G 6’7 217 A 6’7 point guard who shouldn’t even play guard. Perfect.
Dwayne Jones F/C 6’11 250 He was already sent to the NBDL before I even got this preview out. No fair =/
Mark Madsen F/C 6’9 245 Keep running around, faggot.
Rashad McCants G 6’4 207 I hope his ‘volatile’ tempter makes him punch Mark Madsen in the fucking nose. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this
Michael Olowokandi C 7’0 270 It’s a contract year so the sky is the lim…. Who the fuck am I kidding?
Wally Szczerbiak F 6’7 235 Basketball is just a side job for Wally since he’s doing short shorts ads for K-Mart or some retarded shit like that. Having an ugly mole and an uglier sense of the game can take you far
Nikoloz Tskitishvili F 7’0 245 I figured out a long time ago that he’s just playing an elaborate trick on the league. Why hasn’t anyone else figured it out?
Bracey Wright G 6’3 210 Did he bracey himself for the looong fall he took on draft night! HA HA! In all serious, you have a really dumb name, Bracey.

 

Portland Trailblazers

Steve Blake G 6’3 172 Finally, Telly from Kids finally gets a shot at the big show. “Come on, Mista McMillan, play me. You’ll love it. Yes, of course I love you.”
Sam Clancy F 6’7 240 You can’t have an awful team that is lottery-bound and is rebuilding unless you have an older, short power forward with no chance of making the team
Juan Dixon G 6’3 164 I’m convinced that Dixon would be absolutely lost on a team if he didn’t have Steve Blake around.
Jarrett Jack G 6’3 202 Awesome name but he’s playing behind a guy who is even younger than he is and has no idea what he’s doing. Blazer Mania!
Viktor Khryapa F 6’9 210 Yuck
Darius Miles G/F 6’9 210 Guard? You better hope Nate fixes that
Sergei Monia F 6’8 220 “This Blazers rotation is tough! It’s like a piece of iron! I cannot break it!”
Travis Outlaw 6’9 205 Watch out, Sergei Monia! Travis Outlaw is gunning for your minutes! It must be awesome to be a Blazers fan nowadays
Ruben Patterson F 6’6 223 The Kobe stopper! Where were you to stop Kobe from his fateful night in Denver? Has that joke been made a million times already? How bout this one: Do you really want Ruben behind anyone, even on a depth chart?
Joel Przybilla C 7’1 255 Joel’s limitless potential allows him to play about 20 minutes a game and block a couple of shots. Amazing stuff.
Zach Randolph F 6’9 253 Has anyone else averaged 20/10 with a smaller skillset? And has there ever been another 6’9 black power forward who has managed to block a shot once every 3 weeks?
Theo Ratliff F/C 6’10 235 Beat out by Joel fucking Przybilla. Wow.
Ha Seung-Jin C 7’3 305 I hope he actually makes the team this year. The more goofy white guys who play means I am getting the most out of my League Pass subscription
Charles Smith G 6’4 200 I didn’t even know he was still hanging around the league. Didn’t he have some sort of fatal disease? “Here’s your Blazers professional basketball uniform… and here is your nitroglycerin.”
Sebastian Telfair G 6’0 165 Has anyone else ever been drafted solely on pure hype? I remember a guy name Darko Milicic who was! But hey, I’m sure he won’t end up like that, Portland :o)
Martell Webster F 6’7 210 “Here at Blazers Nation, we are looking to instill discipline and get back in touch with the fans that we have long lost since our days of throwing money at malcontent players. We are looking to rid ourselves of those days and that is why we took you, Martell; because you are a fine young man. Now go ahead and take your seat behind Darius Miles and Ruben Patterson.”

 

Seattle Supersonics

Ray Allen G 6'5 205 Throw a max contract at your 30-year-old shooting guard. This is how you keep the Seattle 3-point dynasty together. $60+ million can buy a lot of those fucking stupid overalls he wore in He Got Game
Rick Brunson G 6'4 205 Antonio Daniels to Rick Brunson is a bit of a drop-off. But hey fantasy players, he's a fourth quarter garbage-time superstar!
Mateen Cleaves G 6'2 205 The richest cheerleader in the world. I still don't know how he gets a job every year
Nick Collison F 6'9 255 Good ol' whitebread power forwards from the midwest. Hardly any skills but he's white so America doesn't care so much!
Reggie Evans F 6'8 245 How did Seattle reward him for having to run down all of those long rebounds from these stupid 3-point shooters? They didn't resign him until like a day before training camp for like $2 million a year. And how the hell did this guy average 20ppg in college? He can't even make a layup
Danny Fortson F/C 6'8 260 What in the fuck is more embarassing than getting popped in the mouth by a fat black guy with pig-tails?
Rashard Lewis F 6'10 215 Gets his first all-star berth simply because his team had a lot of wins. We call that a Nowizki berth
Mikki Moore C 7'0 223 Did you know that the Pistons actually gave him a long-term contract at one time? Now he can't even beat out these other idiots for a center job
Ronald Murray G 6'4 190 What happened to Flip? He averaged 20ppg for like 2 weeks and then everyone wanted to fuck him. Now he's making barely above the minimum. Those Sonics know how to take care of their players!
Johan Petro C 7'0 247 How imposing can a french 7 footer be?
Vitaly Potapenko C 6'10 285 How imposing can a guy who looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber be? I think he even has the busted tooth
Vladimir Radmanovic F 6'10 227 YOU TURNED DOWN $42 MILLION? ARE YOU RETARDED? YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO GET HALF OF THAT NEXT SUMMER, IDIOT
Luke Ridnour G 6'2 175 No more Antonio Daniels means more minutes for Luke! And less wins for Seattle!
Robert Swift C 7'0 245 I make a lot of jokes about NBA players and all but I know that they're all very good and would kick my ass in a 1-on-1 game. Except for this guy.
Damien Wilkins F 6'6 225 Anyone wanna give $16 million to a young guard who has had two major knee injuries? Oh, hey Seattle!

 

Utah Jazz

Carlos Boozer F 6’9 258 He sure did look good coming out of Cleveland, didn’t he? Then we all found out that he has absolutely no offensive game. That’s nothing that $65 million can’t fix!
Devin Brown G 6’5 220 The Spurs’ trash is Utah’s free agent acquisition of the summer. Here comes the playoffs!
Jarron Collins C 6’11 255 I read an article once on some complicated mathematical formula for picking out great defensive players and this guy was in the top 5. How great of an equation can it be when a bunch of zeroes gets you to the top?
Gordan Giricek G 6’5 210 He’s a long-range shooter, did you know that? That certainly surprised me when I read it recently
Matt Harpring G/F 6’7 231 Which body part can you horribly injure this year?
Kris Humphries F 6’9 235 Is he white or black? Flip a coin. He has to be black because I can’t imagine a white guy who could only make about 40% of his free throws
Andrei Kirilenko F 6’9 225 Yeah, he fills up a box score. That would be pretty impressive if he wasn’t still unable to score consistently and could actually take his team to the playoffs. But hey, he does well in fantasy sports so we can’t criticize him!
Keith McLeod G 6’2 188 The funny part is that I’m sure Jerry Sloan will insist on starting CBA All-Star McLeod instead of their #4 overall pick, Deron Williams. I mean, they got so far with Keith last year that it’s no wonder that they’re so hesitant to switch
C.J. Miles G 6’6 210 You must’ve really hated the idea of going to college
Mehmet Okur C 6’11 249 I feel really weird about calling a person ‘Memo’. About as weird as I would feel about stealing money from Utah to sit on the perimeter and jack up jump shots while being 7 feet tall and out of shape.
Greg Ostertag C 7’2 280 He has to be a sadomasochist or something. Maybe he’s just around to show Okur how to piss Sloan off
Milt Palacio G 6’3 210 I almost spelled out Milk instead of Milt, I feel like such an idiot. I must’ve went to the same college Darius Miles went to.
Robert Whaley C 6’10 260 He went to Walsh college. What do they teach you there? How to get your kid kidnapped and murdered while learning how to parlay that into fame?
Deron Williams G 6’3 210 Can the state of Utah handle a mixed-race point guard?