The Worst Time of Year: Atlantic Division

By: Emilio Escobar

 

NO. NAME POS AGE HT WT COLLEGE 2010-2011 SALARY
20 Ray Allen SG 35 6-5 205 Connecticut $10,000,000 Continuously open in a half-court system. The high life.
0 Avery Bradley SG 19 6-2 180 Texas $1,418,160 Can't go wrong with an extremely young, short SG. Rumor has it he scored 100 points in a high school game, too.
8 Marquis Daniels SG 29 6-6 200 Auburn $2,388,000 The definition of living on reputation, except he doesn't really have one.
11 Glen Davis PF 24 6-9 289 LSU $3,000,004 Way too easy.
86 Semih Erden C 24 6-11 240 N/A $473,604 Do you think when he's introduced to new people, they peak at his crotch?
27 Tony Gaffney G 25 6-8 205 Massachusetts $762,195 Is this the guy that had Celtics stuff all over his wall as a kid? Because that'll make this cut a whole lot funnier.
5 Kevin Garnett PF 34 6-11 253 N/A $18,832,044 I would make fun of Kevin here but I'm about the size of Jose Calderon.
55 Luke Harangody F 22 6-7 251 Notre Dame $473,604 Love it when guys are drafted purely on race alone.
48 Stephane Lasme PF 27 6-8 215 Massachusetts N/A Wearing #48 basically ensures you're making the team, right?
7 Jermaine O'Neal C 31 6-11 255 N/A $5,765,000 Fifteen years ago, a 31 year old All-Star big man would be in his prime. Old high school big men play like Robert Parish by this age.
36 Shaquille O'Neal C 38 7-1 325 LSU $1,352,181 "I will not take a paycut!" *Takes incredibly drastic paycut*
43 Kendrick Perkins C 25 6-10 280 N/A $4,640,208 I imagine Kendrick Perkins' zits look like Kendrick Perkins. Or, just a big California Raisin.
34 Paul Pierce SF 32 6-7 235 Kansas $13,876,321 Years later and he still looks like a crying chipmunk.
4 Nate Robinson PG 26 5-9 180 Washington $4,200,000 The short guy in every pick-up game that thinks he's much better than he actually is. But this one makes $4 million instead of $8.00/hr at Walmart.
9 Rajon Rondo PG 24 6-1 171 Kentucky $9,090,911 The least intimidating player in the NBA? Looking like a premature child helps with that.
12 Von Wafer SG 25 6-5 209 Florida State $854,389 This moron turned down a great opportunity to take a ton of shots with Houston last year but said no.
13 Delonte West SG 27 6-3 180 Saint Joseph's $854,389 The purgatory awaiting you after fucking your friend's mom involves making six figures with the Boston Celtics. So don't do it, kids!
47 Mario West SG 26 6-5 210 Georgia Tech N/A Your chief nemesis in every NBA2K series game in My Player mode still has not moved on.

 

NO. NAME POS AGE HT WT COLLEGE 2010-2011 SALARY
2 Jordan Farmar PG 23 6-2 180 UCLA $3,750,000 From Lakers to Nets is funny enough without realizing he had the starting role for the next decade gift-wrapped for him and he REALLY blew it.
14 Derrick Favors PF 19 6-10 246 Georgia Tech $4,133,280 I love that the one-and-done players don't even try in college play now. Just let 12 year olds enter the draft and be done with it.
12 Eddie Gill SG 32 6-0 190 Weber State N/A Really, Eddie? Still?
26 Stephen Graham SF 28 6-6 215 Oklahoma State $992,680 This undersized SF struggles to get training camp invites every year with no jump shot whatsoever and the Nets give him a guaranteed deal.
34 Devin Harris PG 27 6-3 190 Wisconsin $8,981,000 How do you go from underrated to overrated in less than a year?
43 Kris Humphries PF 25 6-9 235 Minnesota $3,200,000 I actually like him simply because he went to an awful school simply to pad his stats. At least he's honest.
10 Damion James SF 23 6-7 220 Texas $1,156,320 Never heard of him. Thought he was Damon Jones at first. Does it matter?
11 Brook Lopez C 22 7-0 265 Stanford $2,413,320 You score, that's fine. But wow do you look awful on defense.
22 Anthony Morrow SG 25 6-5 210 Georgia Tech $4,000,000 I always thought putting the ball into the hoop was the whole point of basketball but apparently the guys who shoot very well are role players. Oh, ok.
7 Troy Murphy PF 30 6-11 245 Notre Dame $11,968,253 He's getting paid $12 million this year and the Nets probably don't even care if he comes to work or not. Your life sucks.
21 Travis Outlaw SF 26 6-9 207 N/A $7,000,000 I want to meet the GM that was in a bidding war against NJ for this guy. I have a
27 Johan Petro C 24 7-0 247 N/A $3,250,000 The Nets spent that cap space wisely, didn't they?
13 Quinton Ross SF 29 6-6 193 Southern Methodist $1,033,342 STOP EMPLOYING THIS GUY!
8 Joe Smith PF 35 6-10 225 Maryland $854,389 Why does Mr. Veteran Presence sign with a team like this?
18 Ben Uzoh G 22 6-3 205 Tulsa $473,604 The weirder your last name is better be in proportion to how skilled you are or else you're not lasting long. Right, Uwe Blab?
1 Terrence Williams SF 23 6-6 220 Louisville $2,214,480 I have a feeling this guy will get about 6 more chan
35 Brian Zoubek C 22 7-1 260 Duke $473,604 Setting a pick is not an NBA skill.

 

NO. NAME POS AGE HT WT COLLEGE 2010-2011 Salary
4 Tony Battie C 34 6-11 240 Texas Tech $854,389 El Busto working on his sixth team to disappoint.
33 Craig Brackins SF 23 6-10 230 Iowa State $1,306,920 I don't know anything about him other than this is his third team and he hasn't played a game yet so I'm sure he'll prove us all wrong.
42 Elton Brand PF 31 6-9 254 Duke $15,959,099 He has $6 million, doesn't he? What's he waiting for?
0 James Florence PG 22 6-1 186 Mercer N/A "Mr. Florence from Mercer would also like to wear your number, Spencer."
0 Spencer Hawes C 22 7-1 245 Washington $2,974,320 "THAT LITTLE TWERP oh wait, I'm a grown man named Spencer. Let him have it. I'm going to masturbate in my college dorm room."
11 Jrue Holiday PG 20 6-4 180 UCLA $1,627,920 All I hear about is how he's a sleeper. I can arbitrarily pick young players to improve as well.
9 Andre Iguodala SG 26 6-6 207 Arizona $12,345,250 Lock up a guy that can't shoot as your franchise and surround him with other guys who can't shoot but then sign this asshole...
72 Jason Kapono SF 29 6-8 215 UCLA $6,641,440 ... to make it look like you know what you're actually doing. GET BETTER PLAYERS.
20 Jodie Meeks G 23 6-4 208 Kentucky $762,195 He might actually be able to shoot but we'll never know because Collins won't play him in favor of...
5 Andres Nocioni F 30 6-7 225 N/A $6,850,000 Proof that Scott Skiles is probably still using.
44 Trent Plaisted PF 23 6-11 245 Brigham Young N/A I got to plaisted last night that I tried out for an NBA team and got cut almost immediately so I went on a Mormon mission instead.
1 Chris Quinn PG 27 6-2 175 Notre Dame N/A Hey, sport!
25 Darius Songaila PF 32 6-9 248 Wake Forest $4,818,000 He always tricks me with that first na... woah, why is he getting paid that much?
16 Marreese Speights C 23 6-10 245 Florida $1,773,960 I looked up 'Marreese Speights wife' on Google to make a marreed joke and I found this. So I won't worry bout it.
12 Evan Turner SG 21 6-7 205 Ohio State $4,602,720 Isn't the knock on him that he can't shoot? Seriously, what in the hell are these guys doing?
23 Lou Williams PG 23 6-1 175 N/A $5,000,000 "You drafted another point guard after I finally got a chance to start? This can't be jrue!"
21 Thaddeus Young F 22 6-8 220 Georgia Tech $2,901,241 We've had no Thaddeuses in the NBA since I started watching so you can relate to the excitement I experienced when I got to enter this information.

 

 

NO. NAME POS AGE HT WT COLLEGE 2010-2011 SALARY
7 Kelenna Azubuike SF 26 6-5 215 Kentucky $3,300,000 "I beg your pardon, Mr. Azubuike?"
21 Wilson Chandler SF 23 6-8 225 DePaul $2,130,482 Gift-wrapped starting roles but he'd rather earn it the old fashioned way by getting cut and working in insurance!
34 Eddy Curry C 27 7-0 295 N/A $11,276,863 Haha he's so fat.
23 Toney Douglas G 24 6-2 185 Florida State $1,071,000 You lost your starting job as a young player on a rebuilding team to a guy that is now out of the league.
20 Patrick Ewing Jr. SF 26 6-8 235 Georgetown $762,195 I haven't seen a picture of him yet but I really hope he has the same gorilla jaw as his dad.
2 Raymond Felton PG 26 6-1 205 North Carolina $7,000,000 He is NOT Chris Duhon, so you do have that.
6 Landry Fields G 22 6-7 210 Stanford $473,604 I hope he gets a crack at that secretary before they cut him.
8 Danilo Gallinari F 22 6-10 225 N/A $3,304,560 Shot more threes than twos last year, which, in my universe, means specialist but Knicks fans think he's untouchable!
18 Roger Mason SG 30 6-5 205 Virginia $1,400,000 All of those guys who had career years next to Duncan kept it up afterwards.
25 Timofey Mozgov C 24 7-1 250 N/A $3,567,096 I would really love it too much if groves of wheelchair-bound retarded basketball fans solely supported him.
4 Anthony Randolph PF 21 6-11 225 LSU $1,965,720 Literally the dumbest basketball player on the court I've ever seen since Drew Gooden stopped getting minutes.
11 Andy Rautins G 23 6-4 190 Syracuse $600,000 Hey Mrs. Quinn, Can Chris come out to play? Keep track of these little boy jokes. I got a million of 'em!
1 Amare Stoudemire PF 27 6-10 240 N/A $16,486,611 He's only 27, which would put fear in you as a fan of an opposing team until you see he's taking a lot more jumpers now and he's a former HS big man with past knee issues. By the way, good signing.
14 Ronny Turiaf C 27 6-10 245 Gonzaga $4,000,000 If that heart surgery scar is not healed yet, I'd keep it away from certain guys who might mistake it for a toilet...
5 Bill Walker SG 23 6-6 220 Kansas State $854,389 I hope the Knicks' towel boys are on-call.
3 Shawne Williams SF 24 6-9 225 Memphis $854,389 A vowel at the end of his name haha what a fag.

 

NO. NAME POS AGE HT WT COLLEGE 2010-2011 Salary
50 Solomon Alabi C 22 7-1 251 Florida State $670,000 I mean... I guess he might... yeah, Bryan. I agree.
13 David Andersen C 30 6-11 247 N/A $2,500,000 The next natural step after Chris Bosh.
3 Marcus Banks PG 28 6-2 205 UNLV $4,847,586 Big ups for guaranteed contracts and Mike D'Antoni.
20 Leandro Barbosa SG 27 6-3 202 N/A $7,100,000 "Don't call me that, it sounds stupid. I go by Leandro."
7 Andrea Bargnani C 24 7-0 250 N/A $8,500,000 Woahhhhh, $9 million? Brad Lohaus would've been filthy rich had he been born 20 years later.
8 Jose Calderon PG 29 6-3 210 N/A $9,000,000 If you're a first-year fantasy basketball player, always start your PG against the Raptors.
32 Ed Davis PF 21 6-10 215 North Carolina $1,919,160 Once upon a time, if you broke something and didn't play, you didn't get drafted. But hey, good pick, Toronto. You really got one over on the rest of us.
10 DeMar DeRozan SG 21 6-7 220 USC $2,453,880 It was a bit of a rough rookie season but I'm sure Baby Miner will be just fine.
9 Joey Dorsey PF 26 6-8 268 Memphis $854,389 If Danny Fortson could last that long, I guess he could too.
12 Ronald Dupree SF 29 6-7 209 LSU N/A Stilllllllllllllllllll trying.
30 Reggie Evans PF 30 6-8 245 Iowa $5,080,000 Colangelo's plan all along was to clone Joey Dorsey and pay this clone 5x more. And keep Joey too, of course.
1 Jarrett Jack PG 26 6-3 197 Georgia Tech $4,600,000 When Jay Triano's car doesn't start in the morning, he probably just lets it sit in the middle of the road because he has faith! Jack's first half last year was HORRENDOUS.
15 Amir Johnson PF 23 6-9 210 N/A $5,000,000 "You cannot block any shots unless you try to block them all. Peace." ~!~Amir Johnson~!~
11 Linas Kleiza SF 25 6-8 245 Missouri $4,995,000 I predict the first game of his will be a dominant inside-outside performance and the next 81 filled with way too many three point attempts and undeserved minutes.
24 Sonny Weems SG 24 6-6 203 Arkansas $854,389 Barbosa, who will be forcing way too many shots sans Nash, is going to take all of his minutes. Exciting time to be a Raptors fan!
14 Julian Wright SF 23 6-8 225 Kansas $2,858,057 "No, I couldn't wrestle the starting SG job away from Morris Peterson. And Peja Stojakovic, man, that was a whooooole other story!"

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