You Guys Suck!
By: 15-year-old NBA fans

 

 

God, you guys fucking stink! Get a damn rebound! Jesus Christ guys, just pick up the ball and…. DAMNIT! COVER DUNCAN! WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE AN MVP OPEN UNDER THE… FUCK! They need to trade that fucker. Why in the hell did we waste a lottery pick on that son of a bitch. We could’ve been competing for a championship right now if we had picked anyone else besides this waste of space. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GRAB THE REBOUND! Look at that stupid pass! That’s going to be a sure turnover! Just you wait and

Oh wow, nice play. I know I’m always hard on him but he’s been doing well at times. Sometimes he doesn’t get back on defense all the time but I’d blame that on other guys before him. He really does try out there and that’s all you can ask for. Who can fault him if he’s not as good as labeled coming out of college? That’s our GM’s fault if you ask me. Did you know that he leads the league in free throws attempted in the last 2 ½ minutes of the 3rd quarter when we’re down by 20 points or more? It’s an interesting stat. We really can’t afford to lose him. I think he has improved leaps and bounds this year, I really do. Did you see him last year? That’s what I’m saying, man. He’s going to be something special. Hmmm, that’s kind of a quick shot but…
"We are usually very happy kids! Except when our team loses!"

OH FUCKING HELL WHY DID HE TAKE THAT? GOD, FUCK HIM. Remember last season when we could’ve traded him for Paul Pierce? Why the fuck didn’t we do that? Now we’re stuck with this asshole for the next 6 years. God fucking damnit, kill me. I am so god damn upset about my little NBA team and I really have no idea why. When I talk about them I say “we” because I have, somehow, shared in this imaginary pain that unites all of us lonely NBA fans. We, the NBA team and the fans, are supposed to go 82-0 this year and every time “we” lose a game I get tremendously pissed the fuck off! GRRRRRR GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK! We stink we stink we stink we stink god we fucking SUCK! Oh great, 5 seconds left and they’re giving it to him! Why on earth would you give him the ball after the game he’s ha…

OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU! OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU ARE THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER EVER CREATED! I know I’ve said some very mean things to you and I’m just a stupid crazy 15-year-old who thinks you can hear me but I am madly in love with you! I even half-jokingly make remarks about how I’d like to engage in homosexual activities with you! I say them and smile immediately so that those around me know I’m joking but I don’t really know if I’m joking anymore at this point. I’m pretty sure I’d take a steady stream of jizz to the back of my throat just to make you happy right now. I am just so happy right now and I cannot describe it! When you hit that basketball shot, a shot that should have no direct effect on my life, I have felt a happiness I have never felt before. Is this what sex feels like? I’ll be too busy collecting transformers and purchasing 2XL jerseys to ever found out so I’d like to know! Oh, that’s odd. I thought he hit that shot as time expired. Well, you can’t do much damage when there’s only four-tenths of a second left on the clock. Just make sure you guys don’t do anything stu…

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH FUCKING HELL! There is no way that shit counts! No god damn way! REVIEW! REVIEW! Yes, they’re going to review it. Thank goodness for instant replay. Right now I think I would have gay sex with instant replay too! Isn’t that hilarious? How I would have sex with something like that? Good stuff!
"I masturbate to sports figures on TV as well as japanese animation. Oh, you were saving this bucket of ice cream? Well maybe you lost it? I seem to lose everything! Except my virginity!"
 
WOOAH HOW IN THE HELL? YOU COUNTED THAT? THE BALL WAS STILL IN HIS…. THE BALL! LOOK AT IT! JESUS GOD DAMN FUCK SHIT! The officials hate us; it’s that simple. All we do is play hard every game and the refs are just fucking terrible. I’m turning in my fan card right now. I can’t do this anymore. I have a lot of homework to do anyway and I need to concentrate on school and stuff like that. My life is a mess. I wonder why girls don’t like me. Am I too fat? Is it because I’m introverted? Maybe it’s because I wear all of this sports gear everywhere I go? My life just sucks. I can’t think of a single person who has it worse than I do. My favorite NBA team hasn’t won in the past 72 hours and it is absolutely killing me. Why can’t they win every single game? I have won the past 152 games in a row in NBA Live 2005. In order to win you just need to save your turbo for critical drives to the basket and utilize your freestyle moves on fast breaks. Is it really that much different in the real NBA? I’d imagine not. I just wish that, for once, my NBA team could make me happy.
"We better win a championship next year!"
 

Winning a championship would make me the happiest boy in the whole school. I could wear my team sports hat with pride as I walk down the hall. I’d take especially good care of it by making sure Ben doesn’t fold the bill. I hate it when people do that. People should realize that a basketball hat is like a top-quality Magic: The Gathering card and not bend it in any way, shape or form. Would you bend my black lotus card? I think not! So don’t bend my limited edition division championship fedora!

The bottom line here is that I just don’t think we have what it takes to win a championship. The pieces were there 5 days ago when I last discussed this with Jimmy but I just don’t see it there anymore. Our coach is just a huge moron and I don’t know why we hired him. He’s a big idiot-faced retardhead and I bet he couldn’t even coach our high school JV team let alone these guys! I don’t know what our owner was thinking. I really thought we would be doing a lot better and that’s why I drafted half of the players from my favorite team last month during my fantasy league draft. I don’t know a lot about players on other teams in the NBA but I like to pretend that I do. When someone offers me a trade for a guy, a guy who happens to be on my favorite team in real life, I automatically decline. I know this guy better than anyone else! Why should I trade him? He’s going to break out any day now and I’m going to be the one to say, “See? I told you so!”

" I'm going to cast +50 career disappointment on Vince Carter!"
 

In addition to having half of the players on my favorite team on my fantasy team, I also try to trade for the other half constantly. However, I don’t like to give up anything close to equal value in return. Like I said, I don’t know anything about these other guys. I’m trying like crazy to trade for my team’s backup center but all I have is Darko and some guy named Zebra Rebraca or something. Rick Kamla told me to pick these guys up one time; so I did, and now their stock is rising according to my inside source that lives in a small village in Romania. He’s the same guy that my father buys his Viagra from online so I know he’s a trusted source =)

I just really hope these guys can win tomorrow. If they don’t win then I’m going to kill myself. I don’t know how I’ll be able to face Joey in my algebra class if I lose to his favorite team. But, either way, I’ll be watching and wearing my retarded sports gear and cheering them on as if it actually means something! Go team!