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2002-2003 Playoff Preview By: Washington guard Michael Jordan
Hello there, Michael Jordan here. You may remember me from such playoff appearances as The Raping of Craig Ehlo and The Pushoff Heard 'Round the World. With the trade deadline past that can only mean one thing .... it's almost playoff time! That magical time of the year when your team gels, the real games begin, and your championship spirit soars. Or you sit at home in your Wizards jersey next to a pair of crutches and a fort you made our of NBA Finals MVP Trophies. Either way it's a pretty good time of year to be an NBA player. As the player who practically invented the playoffs as we know them today, who would you rather have give you a preview of the upcoming 2003 showdowns? Nobody but Michael Jordan, that's who. So here's my picks for which teams will make the cut, and which ones will win it all for their Dads who died of heart attacks. Teams East (1) Detroit - Best record so far, and deservingly so with tons of talent. Their only weakness: Isiah Thomas used to play there. (2) New Jersey Nets - They said Dikembe would be the missing piece to their playoff puzzle. Yeah, maybe he and Grant Hill can team up and dish to Anfernee Hardaway. (3) Indiana - Isiah Thomas still coaches there. Good luck next year guys. (4) Boston - Too bad the first round isn't a best-of-seven shimmy shake contest. (5) Philadelphia - If Iverson is the answer, you should ask a different fucking question. (6) Milwaukee - Wisconsin and black people: Nature's best friends. (7) New Orleans - I thought these guys were in the NBDL or lost games to the Globetrotters or something. (8) Washington - We may be down now, but my inner Jordanness has to be worth at least a first-round bid. West (1) Dallas - They've got Finley. They've got Nash. They've got Nowitzki. They've also got Shawn Bradley matched up on Yao, Shaq, and Robinson. Now you tell ME with a straight face you expect them to win. (2) Sacramento - This is the NBA Playoffs, not a three-point shootout. At least Webber is getting paid to fuck-up in the playoffs legally now. (3) San Antonio - Playing for the NBA Championship in an abbreviated year is like running in the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you're still retarded. The Spurs are still very, very retarded. (4) Portland - Possibly the most well-rounded team in the West in terms of talent. They're just one bald-man-who-stares-at-the-ground-when-he-dribbles-but-still-gets-drafted-ahead-of-me-somehow point guard away from winning it all. (5) Minnesota - One man can't carry a team in the playoffs. On second thought ... (6) Utah - A team full of old guys who can't give up the ghost. It's like they have Stripper Syndrome and can't stand to be out of the spotlight even when they're too old to keep it up and are just embarassing themselves. In other news, the irony is not lost on his Jordanness. (7) Houston - Take it from a world-famous Washington Wizard: Gheorge Muresan version 2.0 won't cut it. (8) LA Lakers - Two words: Fuck Kobe. Round One East (1) Detroit vs. (8) Washington: Why even talk about this one? I'm finally gonna get my chance to settle the Laimbeer curse! Boogity motherfucker! Washington in 4. (2) New Jersey Nets vs. (7) New Orleans: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make that horse win on the road. New Jersey in 4. (3) Indiana vs. (6) Milwaukee: It's like having to pick a valedictorian for summer school. I'll take Milwaukee in 5 because of the Isiah Factor. (4) Boston vs. (5) Philadelphia: If I were a betting man, that's if assholes, I'd put $20,000 on Boston. Just hope you don't mess it up or it's another round of underwear commercials for you. Juanita has standards, you know. West (1) Dallas vs. (8) LA Lakers: Shawn Bradley AND Shaq. I think I can taste the vomit in my million dollar mouth. Fuck it, too many white people play for Dallas anyway. Lakers in 5. (2) Sacramento vs. (7) Houston: Sacramento still has a team? A gigantic chinese guy who shoots jump shots? Sacramento in 5. (3) San Antonio vs. (6) Utah: People have about as much interest in this game as hearing about how I'm a celibate man. Spurs in 5. (4) Portland vs. (5) Minnesota: Portland huh? That's a shame. Minnesota in 4. Round Two East (4) Boston vs. (8) Washington: I'll just slip Paul Pierce some heart medication and watch another Celtic die of heart "problems". Washington in 4 motherfucks. (2) New Jersey vs. (6) Milwaukee: Jason Kidd beats up the Bucks' D and wins this matchup in 6 games.
(5) Minnesota vs. (8) LA Lakers: Kevin Garnett + Playoffs = Hilarity. Lakers in 5. (2) Sacramento vs. (3) San Antonio: Chris Webber is so scared of the second round that he actually forgets his sneakers and Tyra Banks. Mike Bibby forgets to bring Michigan J. Frog with him for good luck, San Antonio in 7. Round Three East (2) New Jersey vs. (8) Washington: I mistake the Nets for the Cavs and make them my bitch. Washington in 4. West (3) San Antonio vs. (8) LA Lakers: David Robinson's lips fall off, sending San Antonio into widespread panic. Lakers in 5. NBA Finals (8) Washington vs. (8) LA Lakers: The NBA decides to just hand me the NBA Championship and not even bother playing the series out. I continue to cheat on my wife and gamble on children's baseball games while making Nike commercials and shooting shots over the McDonald's arch with Larry Bird.
Game over! Insert another quarter and try again! |
