My Big Day!

By: Shawn Kemp

"It's a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dear Diary,

I can't believe how fortunate I am! This past summer I was released by a franchise with infinite talent because they did not want me anymore. So what did they do? They gave me lots of money up front and I agreed not to play for them anymore! I am so excited, diary! I don't have to pretend I have a harelip anymore, and I don't have to go by that silly "Reign Man" persona anymore. Yes diary, today is a new day! I am the new PF/C for the Orlando Magic, a team destined for success.
The media just blows everything out of proportion. There are lots of people who tried cocaine. In fact, one of my children has already tried it. What is the big deal? It is a proven fact that everyone between the ages of 15 and 52 has tried cocaine at least once. And it's not like I'm hooked on it, I've quit dozens of times. What a bunch of morons the media are. They just like to see a great athlete fall on his face. I bite my thumb at them, I am so angry!

Back to my new team, the Orlando Magic. I just love these guys. I completely ignore the fact that half the team is white each year and that there are racist allegations and the team is located in the Deep South. These are all simply coincidences. I also ignored how Horace Grant and Patrick Ewing failed in their attempt to win a championship there and, instead, looked a hundred years old while heaving their big fat asses 94 feet. There have been discussions between the Magic and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, which makes me very excited for the upcoming season! Wilt Chamberlain's dead carcass has been signed to a non-guaranteed contract (who would be stupid enough to sign a dead man to a guaranteed contract!) so the Magic is, obviously, trying to win.

Next up, diary, is how the media has blown my amount of children out of control. What is the big deal as long as I pay child support? There are tons of dead-beat dads in the United States; I pay for my children! Why doesn't America applaud me for being a stand-up guy and realizing my mistakes? Just 5 years ago, I was a hall-of-fame player on the rise and now I'm a washed up has-been? Screw the media! I will continue to work 6 days a week with my trainer and conveniently ignore how I am not losing any weight at all. Good night diary!