Scouring the planet for little-known talent is what I do best. Being ESPN’s Insider has its rewards but nothing is more rewarding than watching a supple 7-foot 17-year-old boy from Serbia making threes. Watching his muscles glisten against the dim lights of the gym, complete with one missing wall and a guard instructed to shoot the teenager upon missing more than 2 shots in a row, gets me going in the morning like nobody’s business! But why do I do it? Is it because I just genuinely enjoy the game of basketball? Or maybe I have some sort of sick and twisted fetish for 18-year-old men from Europe and Russia? Have you ever seen a creepy old guy who won’t date anyone over a certain age even though that age is a lot younger than they are? That’s sort of like me! Being above 20 years old is a big no-no in my book! Now that you know about my basketball perversions, lets get on with my mock draft that I spent upwards of almost 2 hours on!

1 – Milwaukee – Marvin Williams
The Bucks take Williams here because of his tremendous upside potential. Coaches describe him as being a “great player” with no “experience” but can “open a can like he shoots a jump shot” and won’t ever end up “dead on the floor of a loved one’s floor” like Len Bias. “Williams has a hell of an NBA body”, said one prominent NBA GM whose name I never list because he doesn’t actually exist. “He looked great when we saw him once at North Carolina. We didn’t want to watch him again because it might spoil it for us.”

2 – Atlanta – Andrew Bogut Atlanta takes Bogut here because of his size and length. I realize that size and length are the exact same thing but I list them separately because I’m a journalist with journalistic integrity and so on. Bogut may have a really hard time scoring against 6’8 centers in college but he sure can pass the ball, can’t he? Isn’t that what you want out of your center? Who wants their center to be able to score or hang onto a rebound? Racking up assists is the way to do it! Nevermind the fact that he always gets the ball snatched out of his hands constantly by guards, that’s just part of his potential, size and length. Tremendous.

"No Hawks fans, that's not the lead singer of your favorite emo band. That's your new starting center!"

3 – Portland – Gerald Green
What do you do when you’re the Portland Trailblazers and you’ve taken two high school kids in the last two years of the draft? Take another one! It can’t hurt! And they have so much room for growth on a Portland team just clamoring for fresh meat. Green is absolutely awesome against other 18-year-olds so I know it will all translate over to a game filled with men in their mid to late-20’s! I never take into account that he’s not strong enough to play a wing position or quick enough to play the off-guard spot! He’s young so nothing else matters :o)

4 – New Orleans – Chris Paul
I know that New Orleans already has two pretty good point guards that are already proven but I’m going to tell you that the Hornets will take Chris Paul anyway! Why is that? Because I won’t shut my big fucking mouth about how awesome he is! Did anyone else notice anything that special about him? Any semi-intelligent basketball fan could see that Paul was pretty good but not really anything super special. That’s where I come in! I sit here in my big ESPN office making up retarded trade rumors and going on and on about some random kid under the age of 20 being able to dribble a basketball for a division I school and he’s great! New Orleans, don’t bother resigning that proven Dan Dickau guy who has gone through hard times left and right and finally found a home. Take another point guard!

5 – Charlotte – Martynas Andriuskevicius
Forget those first four picks, they all stink. Let me tell you a little something about Marty here: he is the greatest player to ever come out of Europe. Don’t let his measurements of 7’3 and 140lbs fool you, he is deceptively strong. This insider took two milk jugs and filled them almost to the very top with water and the young prospect was able to lift them both at the same time. Scouts walked away with a puzzled look on their faces because they don’t know about Marty yet. I gave him a basketball and he automatically began shooting at the basket near me. This is basketball instinct. I didn’t tell him to do a single thing and he already knew what I wanted. You can’t teach that. Lottery talent and the head to match it. Great kid. I’d suck his cock.

6 – Utah – Uros Slokar
I do realize that some teams don’t exactly have Uros very high on their draft radar but this insider cannot figure out why. What’s not to love about this gorgeous prospect with toned abs and a jumpshot to match? And look at those biceps? How in the world did I end up sitting in a wet spot? I don’t remember it being wet before.

7 – Toronto – Erazem Lorbek
Let me tell you a little something about this kid: he is persistent. Everyone saw how awful he was while playing for Michigan State but he came out for the draft anyway. Some people call that stupid but this insider thinks that it was a great move. What other kind of exposure could this kid have gotten? Smart move and a smart guy. Now everyone knows his name. And did I mention he’s from Slovenia? His sexy accent is sure to attract female fans to the arenas.

8 – New York – Ike Diogu It wouldn’t be a Chad Ford column unless I made a joke about Isiah Thomas taking short power forwards! Kurt Thomas, Mike Sweetney, Mo Taylor, Malik Rose and now Ike Diogu. Ike played center in college at 6’8 so he may be very attractive to Isiah. Then again, all you have to do to be attractive to Isiah is have a T-cell count that is dramatically dropping by the day and have some sort of longing for dead bodies. Are you able to gain over 100lbs while your white and red blood cells wage war against each other? Maybe Isiah would like to give you a little peck on the cheek then :o) 9 – Golden State – Tiago Splitter I know that Golden State just needs a good shotblocking and rebounding center in the middle and then they can begin to compete for a playoff seed but this is Tiago Splitter we’re talking about. As you may know, I went on and on about him last year but nobody would give Tiago a first-round guarantee so he pulled his name out of the draft. My question is how could anyone pass on Tiago Splitter? Is it the fact that he has no offensive game and he’s an even less polished version of Anderson Varajao? Or is it because you don’t trust my judgment? It’s not easy being the greatest talent evaluator in the world.

"Two Knicks power forward prospects work out against one another."

10 – LA Lakers – Fran Vazquez
6’10. 230lbs. From Spain. Oh my god you just wanna touch him. Fran has been turning heads around the NBA for quite awhile now. General Managers from across the country have been asking me about him and I’ve been telling them all the same thing: take him! Once he is drafted he has promised to buy me a new hot tub and fix that leaky faucet in my kitchen. Fran is quite the handy man and it translates over to the NBA court. The handyman skills are much like the dominant center in the NBA: both require some sort of talent. Don’t pass up this talent. He has talent all over him. Talent.

11 – Orlando – Charlie Villanueva
The Magic like tough guys and there isn’t a tougher guy in college basketball than Charlie Villanueva. Charlie has had to overcome obstacles in his life such as a poor work ethic, looks that could make Kyle Korver miss a 3-pointer and not having any eyebrows for some reason. I followed Charlie around for an entire day last year and he constantly ordered pizza and fingered fat chicks. I know he has changed his whole attitude and he’s ready for the league. Fingering fat chicks is a humbling experience. Having that sweaty smell on your fingers for up to 3 days is something that no player with any more than a year of college experience should have to endure. But Charlie has. Toughness oozes out from Charlie’s deformed pores.

12 – LA Clippers – Randolph Morris
By skipping the last 3 years of college, Randolph has shown the NBA that he is ready for anything. Watching him struggle to grasp any sort of basketball concept besides lunge his crisp, strong, lean, supple body into other naughty freshmen and sophomores was a real joy to see. Some may think that he left college too soon but I’m glad he’s not an amateur anymore. Very glad.

13 – Charlotte – Rudy Fernandez
When I saw Rudy Fernandez play basketball I felt something that I haven’t felt before in a long time. Rudy made me feel special just by dribbling a basketball. It was something I really cannot describe while typing over a computer and having Fran Vazquez rubbing my back with special lotion that seeps into my brain. My hands tingle as Rudy makes another free throw. My legs go numb when I see him bank a layup off of the top square of the backboard closest to him. So fundamentally sound. So graceful and agile. Such long legs on that tall drink of water. Great calf muscles that you could eat off of. Bulging biceps. A groin that would never tear in a million years under my watchful eye. He has star written all over his chiseled chest.

14 – Minnesota – Martell Webster
Kevin McHale admired how Martell Webster practiced yesterday as he was shooting free throws by himself. “The kid really knows how to shoot. I watched him make 8 in a row.” What Kevin may not know is that Martell Webster tested positive for the HIV virus. When asked about the positive test, Martell pretended to play dumb just like he usually does. What does Martell have to hide? When this insider called him early this morning for comment, Martell did not answer his phone. This could certainly drop his draft stock if he doesn’t start calling people back and telling people about his test results before they sleep with him.

15 – New Jersey – Deron Williams How awful of a basketball player do you have to be to have to stay in college for more than two years? Pretty terrible if you ask me. Deron has no offensive ability at all and, worst of all, one parent of his is white and the other is black. What the hell is that? Why not just put peanut butter and lobster in a sandwich too? Deron can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. And that’s exactly where he’s heading in my mock draft hehe. 16 – Toronto – Danny Granger Rafael Araujo needs someone to keep him company on the bench so it might as well be another loser from college who couldn’t leave the NCAA circuit. This terrible waste of a human being stayed in college for all 4 years! What an idiot! I guess he really enjoyed staying in that stupid dorm room with all of those girls. Doesn’t he like money? I don’t understand it at all. Maybe nobody told him that he could be paid money in exchange for playing basketball? I didn’t bother scouting him because he’s old enough to drink and that just creeps me out, to be quite honest. It’s bad enough that he already knows right from wrong. 17 – Indiana – Chris Taft Might as well draft another ugly fuck to replace the one that just retired!

"Why should you have to fulfill your potential in college anyway?"

18 – Boston – Raymond Felton
Boston may be shocked that Felton lasted this long but, quite frankly, I’m not. Felton is a terrible shooter, very slow, not tough, and doesn’t have any upside whatsoever. He wasn’t a winner in college and couldn’t score consistently. Insider talked to a source very close to Felton and he told me that sometimes when Raymond goes to sleep he sometimes curls up into a fetal position. I took this analysis to a sports psychologist who then referred me to a very prominent baker in the Los Angeles area and he said something is up with that. Watch out, Boston. Raymond Felton is not a ballplayer, he is a sissy.

19 – Memphis – Stefano Mancinelli
For those of you who do not know very much about Stefano, I took the liberty of creating my own scouting report for him. He has great range on his jump shot, can jump almost 4 feet in the air, has large, quick hands, very mobile and almost never misses from 3-point range. So maybe you are wondering to yourself, “Chad, why is he rated so low?” The answer is, basically, I don’t know. I looked for flaws in things like his personal life that may deter an NBA team from selecting him in the first round. I analyzed everything from his spending habits to the way he sleeps (fetal position). I took these results to Dr. James Padilla of the Sports Psychology and Medicine department at MIT and he told me that he not only looks tough but he has star written all over him. General managers are really missing out on a great kid.

20 – Denver – Sean May
May is much too fat and out of shape to play the game of basketball. I’ve asked for second opinions around the league and, even though I was hard pressed to find one, I did find one in Johnathan Scalderbeck, a high school student set to graduate in 2007 and self-proclaimed “biggest NBA fan”. Johnathan said he also looked fat and I told him that, for such a young kid, Johnathan didn’t look fat at all. We talked about the NBA some more while having drinks at my place. We still agree that Sean May is too fat to play in the NBA.

21 – Phoenix – Andrew Bynum
Bynum has what some of us in the industry call “baby fat” but that should not prevent him from scoring on teams this upcoming season at will. Bynum will be able to use his size to bully opponents around the basket and get himself into better position to score. Being bulky is essential and very critical of a post player in the NBA and Bynum definitely has it. He also has great upside in his hands and soft skin.

22 – Denver – Nate Robinson Too short and too black to play in the league. What this league needs is less players like Nate Robinson. Robinson is everything that is wrong with the NBA. Everything from his strutting on the court to his dunking and then his athletic and leaping ability. Don’t even get me started on his suspect jump shot. Nate Robinson is all image and he needs to stay away from the NBA. Nobody will draft him. I hope a drunk driver runs over Nate’s short stumpy legs. 23 – Sacramento – Hakim Warrick When is the last time that a 6’8 string-bean of a power forward succeeded in the NBA? Never, that’s when! You should’ve came out of college when Carmelo came out, Hakim. You’re nothing but a much-improved bitch of a basketball player you piece of shit. You are everything that is wrong with the game of basketball. Winning a national title at Syracuse is stupid.

"Here is Nate Robinson making white people scared again. He's too black for the NBA and it may hurt the game. Don't do it, Denver!"

24 – Houston – Charlie Villanueva
The thing I really like about Charlie is his pure toughness. People always tell me that I’m repeating myself when I tell this story but that’s because it’s such a great story: Charlie came into the University of Connecticut as a player who had a “questionable work ethic”, whatever that means. He came away as a winner of a national championship (an absolutely invaluable experience that cannot be measured in terms of NBA draft intangibles) and so improved that he became a starter. I don’t know of very many starters for basketball teams that have “questionable work ethics” because they obviously had to work in order to start. It’s just simple logic.

25 – Seattle – Joey Graham Joey Graham can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. I was walking down the street with my grandmother, who is a very active 84 years old, and Joey pushed her into a puddle of mud and told me to go fuck myself. I was startled at first that anyone could do such a thing. Luckily, my keen eye caught the fact that the kid in question was wearing an Oklahoma State basketball jersey and it had the same number that I think I remember Joey Graham having. Obvious character issues. 26 – Detroit – Linus Kleiza What people may not know about Linus is that he has a heart of gold. This young man helped pick my grandmother up when she was lying facedown in a puddle of mud (thanks to All-American loser Joey Graham) and his smile brought a certain unforgivable happiness to my world again. I asked him what his name was and it wasn’t Linus Kleiza but it was close enough. What a great young man. Detroit should draft him. 27 – Utah – Wayne Simien Let me tell you a little something about Wayne Simien that you may not know: he doesn’t vote and he eats red meat. Need I say more? I also saw him jacking off in the bathroom before his draft workout with Detroit. Would you spend a 1st round draft pick on a guy who jacks off in a dirty bathroom in Detroit? Also, he may or may not agree with a socialist’s point of view. I asked him about that earlier and he asked me to move on to the next question. What are you trying to hide, “Wayne”?
	"Pictured: Joey Graham shortly after he left my grandmother for dead in a puddle of wet dirt. Fuck Joey Graham. Go back to Africa you stupid porch monkey."

28 – San Antonio – Andray Blatche
What a brute force in the paint. I just got done watching this kid tear everyone up in a game of 21 and I was astonished by his overall mastery of the game. God he smelled so good too. He has this innate ability to make me laugh all the time too. Not even a giggle but a real hearty laugh. I haven’t felt that way since Maude died so many years ago. Anguish has consumed my soul much like a college senior consumes overall failure. What to do? I’ve had my heart broken so many times before. Why should I let another one break me? I have so much going for me. But no, I am strong. I’ve fought the hard battle before. My battlefield is Microsoft Word and my hands (with this bottle of Skin So Soft) are my weapons. Can I sacrifice my plan for, perhaps, ‘the one’? A single tear tumbles down my cheek, much like Shaquille O’Neal tumbled down the Billboard charts some 10 years ago. What has become of me? This journalist needs a break and who are you to thwart him? Where have you gone, Darko? My body aches for your bleached hair and pierced ears!

I don’t even care about these last two draft picks. I have two train tickets to Las Vegas and nobody can stop us. Andray and I are going to make love on the train and everywhere else that our hearts desire. I have finally found my one-way ticket to happiness in the form of a very tall black man with a penis that could knock over a small building. It’s veins consume me. It’s foreskin speaks to me; it says “CHAAAAAD”, hehe.

This has all been very fun but I must go. Marc Stein just caught my garner belt and Andray is waiting downstairs. He is very impatient! I just wish he would grow up :o)