Children have been told not to attend school today. The factory workers are staying home with their loved ones. The local McDonalds that employs all your favorite lip-pierced 15-year-old promiscuous workers have been shut down temporarily. The city of Portland has been paralyzed!

Why?

Early Tuesday morning the Portland Trail Blazers announced they had traded NBA superstar Rasheed Wallace, along with Wesley “don’t remind me my brother was a lot better than I ever was” Person, for the NBA’s version of George Costanza, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, as well as Theo Ratliff and Dan Dickau. On paper it looks as though Portland had raped the city of Atlanta with their supernatural ability to acquire high-priced underachieving talent. However, can the city of Portland, Oregon withstand the trade that has robbed them of their naturally born leader?

When the fans, who paid between $10-$500 for a seat to watch their team give their all, get a bit unruly and decide to boo when one of their players commits homicide on the court then who, I ask, will be there to control them? Do you really think Darius Miles will do it? He’s too busy making MTV movies! Darius is having a hard enough time trying to figure out the intricacies of this sport known as basketball, which do not involve the dunk.

Maybe Zach Randolph can put in extra time after practice and learn how to deal with the media just as Rasheed did. Perhaps he can sit in a chair, slouched over with a cowl on his face, and repeat the phrase, “Both teams played hard” until I vomit in my mouth. It doesn’t have to be an isolated effort though. The entire team can pull together and work on this strategy, which would be both innovative and entertaining.

Who will be their 6’11 3-point shooter? Every team needs a player that can ignore their talent and height as Rasheed does. This is a tough position to take over. Abdur-Rahim is not a 3-point shooter, nor is Mr. Randolph. Darius Miles is not even aware that the NBA installed a line 23’9” away from the basket in which you are awarded 3 points for making a field goal from said distance. I guess Damon Stoudamire will have to shoot twice as many, which is a shame because that will tarnish his dead-eye accuracy.

Who can replace Rasheed as the highest-paid player on the team and still not have a major impact on the game? The Blazers are still paying Shawn Kemp to sit at home and snort cocaine while eating small factories so I guess that answers one concern of mine.

Lastly, who will now account for half of the marijuana arrests in the state of Oregon now that Rasheed is playing for the basketball franchise residing in Atlanta? With a name like Travis Outlaw, that shining young star may have some potential. Ruben Patterson may be able to step up to the plate if he can stop raping his baby-sitters for the time being. The most obvious candidate should be Damon Stoudamire though since he has been previously arrested for reefer several times.

Hopefully Damon will remember not to keep his pot in tin foil when he goes through the metal detector next time. The city of Portland would not be able to stand losing yet another leader of their remarkable team.