Parents Just Don't Understand

By:
Portland Trail Blazers' Forward Ruben Patterson

"I'll get to the hole alright! Make that an underage girl's hole! And by hole, I mean her vagina!"

OK, check it out, me and my girl wanted to go to this club and we needed a baby-sitter because I am a NBA player and, therefore, cannot keep my penis in my pants. However, just because of a little incident that happened over a year ago (!), I could not find a single parent who would baby-sit for me! Egad! For some of you who are still in the dark, I was convicted of raping someone. I mean, big deal, right? Women are so hard to read, they never know what they want and I am a professional athlete. She wanted the D, and I provided it. Where, exactly, is the problem?

What is a professional athlete to do? I could always just leave my kid at home, but that's irresponsible. From what I hear, just being a Trail Blazer makes some parents suspicious (we have a bad reputation, we all are really great guys). I really don't understand this; if I were playing for the Detroit Pistons would you still think I was a bad guy? You know, Los Angeles drafted me so, in a roundabout way, I must be a better person than the rest of these Trail Blazer guys. I'm the Kobe stopper god damnit! Look at Rasheed; that guy is a complete dick to everyone and won't shut up. Mr. Sabonis over there is creeping up on age 60 and still thinks he can play basketball. Scottie Pippen is the ugliest motherfucker on the face of the earth. Bonzi won't stop bitching about the fans, Dale Davis looks like a serial killer.

Now back to me for a second; I am a hard-working blue-collar NBA player who worked his way to a well-paid contract. Everyone thinks that I "raped" that girl, I will be the first to tell you that this couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't back this up in any way, but I assure you that I did not "rape" that woman. It was a mere misunderstanding, I thought she said "yes" when she said "no". It's as simple as that. I don't see how something I did over a year ago would have any effect on someone's parents not wanting their luscious and voluptuous teenage daughter to baby-sit for me. In fact, I find teenage women repulsive. Those perky breasts, those big lips, those "I want you, Ruben" eyes, not to mention the tall-drink-of-water legs these women have nowadays. All of these features completely repulse me and remind me of why I would never, ever "rape" someone again.

Let this be a valuable lesson to you, kids. Don't rape teenage women. The cost of the classes and the god damn media will not leave you alone. It just amazes me that it's such a big deal, as if no one has ever had a misunderstanding. Sure, it may not be in the middle of sex like mine was, but people have misunderstandings all the time. Just the other day, I wanted my meal at McDonalds super-sized and it wasn't, yet I had to pay the 39 cents! That is a misunderstanding, and, if you're keeping score at home, that is number two. Another misunderstanding I had recently was when I asked my boy Aloycious to get me a dime bag. I brought that home and, much to my chagrin, I'll just tell you that there was no way that could have been a dime bag. I mean, even god damn Stevie Wonder could've been more accurate. So I told him to put his mouth on the street curb and I took about 5 steps back. Doing so would give me a nice running start. I stood, staring at his mouth on that dirty curb and watched him tremble as my anticipation grew. I ran up, unzipped myself and proceeded to make love to him right there in the middle of the street while he had to taste that nasty curb. I showed him what's up, YOU DON'T MESS WITH RUBEN PATTERSON! Nobody messes with me on the streets anymore, word gets around pretty quick I suppose.

Anyway, if you are in need of some extra money, please contact me. I can be reached at the Marriott after every game in Portland, Oregon. My cell phone number is 555-7273 (and yes, its just a coincidence). Holla back!