As I have scoured the earth in search of better tasting alcohol, I’ve learned a few things about life. First, only faggots drink that Smirnoff bullshit. Well, faggots, girls, and guys named Kyle. Secondly, I’ve found out that nothing hits the spot quite like a shot of everclear. I’ve consumed a vast amount of alcohol in my time so I thought I’d just share my knowledge of Chris Mullin’s cough syrup. In this little article I will give you my assessment of the different types of alcohol I have underachieved with and the grade next to it indicates how well you can participate in a mildly challenging sport with it in your system.

Margaritas (A-): I’m hardly ever in the mood for a fruity drink but it’s a good coming-down drink after a hangover. I usually make fun of the pussies that drink these things but they’re actually quite tasty. I remember I was playing the 2nd game of a back-to-back set and I just wasn’t hitting my running fall-away bullshit jumpers. I had just come off a heavy night of cocaine and jager so it was kind of hard to concentrate on playing a children’s game. I told Coach Dunleavy, a very understanding and ugly coach that I needed to hit the beer bong once or twice during a timeout. He looked at me in a weird way, sort of half-disappointed and half-disgusted. So I just did a bump of coke and I was fine. I don’t think I had any margaritas or anything but it’s still a pretty cool story.

Tequila (D+): I really don’t encourage people drinking tequila and then attempt to play any basketball. I don’t know what it is but it just doesn’t feel very good. On a dare, Gary Payton told me I couldn’t take 10 shots of tequila and still score 15 points in this particular game. Boy was he right! I don’t even think I averaged 15 points for that entire season! I was really fucked up and I had to yell and stomp at the refs so I’d get ejected and go home. Yelling at the referees is kind of like going to the clinic in elementary school. Jagermeister (C-): You could probably look like you’re not an idiot while on jager but I wouldn’t recommend it. One time when I was out in New York, I must’ve played a terrible game so I started playing some card game with a couple of underage ladies looking for alcohol. I took them back to my hotel room and fucked them in the ass for a little while when I realized that I had a game to go to. Apparently it was just a drunken illusion that I had played earlier that day. I guess that’s what I get for drinking at 11 in the morning. So game time rolls around and I just barely made it to Madison Square Garden when I realize that I wasn’t even supposed to be in New York. I was supposed to be in Milwaukee to play against Golden State. Jeez, I still don’t know how that shit happened. Wait, that wasn’t jagermeister. That was something else I think. Were those even girls? Wow, what the hell was I doing?

Oh man, Gary. I think I had a little too much to drink!

Spiced Rum (B-): Rum really doesn’t settle in my stomach very well for some reason. I can digest lots of alcohol at one time while fucking three different women and counting my money but not while I’m drinking rum. Rum isn’t my kryptonite by any means but it does seem to sneak up on me. I remember in Boston last year when I swore off rum only to find two empty bottles of it balanced on a sombraro that was lying next to my sofa bed. Then I looked across the bed only to see one of Dennis Rodman’s ex-wives was popping razorburn zits on her vagina. You can’t even make this shit up. Next thing I know I’m downing the third bottle of rum to forget about the vagina zits and I end up waking up bent over a table with a doctor pulling broken shards of glass out of my ass. “What in the name of Richard Gere is going on here?” I ask. All I got was a snicker from a few doctors but hey, whatever. It happens to the best of us.

Jack Daniel’s (A+): I have my best games on Jack. In fact, I owe my career to Jack. When I’m at my lowest, I can always count on Jack to give me a new career high in blood alcohol level and DUI attempts from the field! Some people say it tastes like wood or just gives them a burning throat effect but I can tell you this for sure: those people are crazy! I've sat down numerous times with Ruben Patterson and just took shot after shot of Jack to see who would pass out first. I’ve never raped my baby-sitter or anything but hey, to each his own I guess, right? I would be a pretty shitty person to sit here and tell Ruben what to do during his free time. I’ve gotten handjobs from homeless men just to see if my penis would still work after I literally swallowed a bottle of unopened vodka. Realizing this, I can see why pinning an underage girl down against her will isn’t all that bad.

I'm proud to play in the fine city of Milwaukee! Errr Seattle! Errr, what? Boston? What the fuck?

After all, I’d rather have a girl get pinned down against her will than get my shot pinned against the backboard.