The New MVP

By: Emilio Escobar

"Are you serious? You found a functioning kidney for me? Oh, you're kidding? Kidding and kidney sound very alike =( "

The world has stopped to a standstill. Children and adults across the globe are in sheer awe. Was it enough that when he came back he posted 38 points, 22 rebounds, and 4 blocks to solidify the Nets’ frontcourt? What about when he saved that poor little girl, Ashley Henderson, who was sitting courtside at last Friday’s New York-New Jersey game, from choking to death on a popcorn kernel? The scrappy kernel had been lodged in the little girl’s esophagus for a good two minutes until it was noticed by the NBA’s newest superstar: Alonzo Mourning’s one good kidney.

The Kid, as writers have lovably nicknamed him, has shown an array of post moves, in addition to off-the-court moves that the NBA has sorely needed. As little Ashley sat with tears of joy running down her butter-ridden cheek, she proclaimed her love for the NBA’s rookie sensation.

“The Kid is awesome! He saved my life!”

While some experts and analysts had tabbed this comeback of sorts to be a mere gimmick, The Kid has responded by averaging a double-double in his first 5 games as an individual pro. Analysts nationwide thought that it was a very bold and brash move by the newfound NBA star to publicly debate everyone’s favorite has-been and the only human being on the planet to actually lie about obtaining the HIV virus, Magic Johnson, on the topic of promiscuity. However, all it has done is sparked a nationwide debate LeBron or The Kid(ney)? Scouts claim that The Kid will soon be figured out by season’s end but don’t tell that to local super-fan Jason Bailes.

"The Kid may be a bit banged up but at least he can take a piss without help!"

“The Kid and LeBron James will, without a doubt, be the top rookies in this class. Carmelo is great and all but he’s nothing compared to this guy. LeBron’s ankle injury might hurt him in the race for Rookie of the Year too. I fully expect Alonzo Mourning’s kidney to, at the very least, be named to the All-NBA second team at the end of the year. It’s a great time to be an NBA fan and I’m rooting for him all the way. GO NETS!”

Those are definitely strong words. While the press has had it’s fun with the LeBron-Carmelo matchups, it has been said that this Wednesday’s game between “King James” and The Kid will, ultimately, tell the world who the top dog really is. James has dazzled the NBA universe with his multi-dimensional game while playing at the toughest position in the league. However, even he has been in sheer awe of what The Kid has accomplished lately.

"IT'S STILL SORE! DON'T TOUCH!!!"

“Yeah, he’s doing pretty good. But man, my neck is killing me. You hear that?” Lost in all the hoopla is the man himself, Alonzo Mourning. What is going on, Alonzo? “It’s been tough. Basically, my kidney just ruptured and I had actually died for a little over an hour. Dominique Wilkins just happened to be over that day but he refused to call 911. Instead, he kept proclaiming that this was ‘his house’ and I needed to leave.”

“I ended up passing out on my front lawn with nothing but my Defensive Player of the Year trophy in hand and a locket with Jeff Van Gundy’s picture in it. When I awoke I was in the emergency room and had stitches on my right side. The doctors then explained to me that my kidney had, basically, decided to test the free agent market so he just ruptured and took off. He went and signed for the minimum with the New Jersey Nets while I lay motionless on the grass.”

“You can’t help but feel a little betrayed.”

While Nets management and the community feels for Mourning, they also feel The Kid made the right move.

“I’m really happy that he signed with us. We’re definitely a force to be reckoned with now. I’m just ecstatic!” New Jersey President/General Manager Rod Thorn said. “While we’re sad about Alonzo’s condition, he’s still collecting $22 million from us and I was about to hire someone to go take care of him anyway.”

“I view this as a different means of getting my money’s worth.”